Dating and the Divorcee, Part 1: The Search for Han Solo

Having returned to the dating scene, I decided to do a series of blogs entitled, "Dating and the Divorcee".  For this Valentine's Day, I bring you Part 1:  "The Search for Han Solo." 

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While recently sorting through a random box, I came across a list of desired qualities in a potential mate. Written either just prior to or right around the time I started seeing my now ex-husband, the list proved quite the interesting read.  It contained some biggies that still hold true (no addictions or abusive behavior, must be respectful and kind) and oddly some that were missing (must be communicative with no passive aggressive or mean tendencies).  While certainly not looking to remarry any time soon, this discovery begs the question of what I really do find attractive in a potential significant other.  After several recent (and brief) post-marriage forays into the dating scene, I wonder that I haven’t already found my ideal man.  His name:  Han Solo.

Oh, yeah, you read that right.

Handsome, witty and intelligent, Han Solo is a bit of a rogue in the Star Wars series.  He is not intimidated by strong women (and in fact can dish out what he gets) and is most often kind to other species (having rescued his best friend, Chewbacca, from slavery).  He deals with antagonism with humor, enthusiasm and aplomb.  He is courageous and good-hearted—even if it takes a while to break through to the gooey center.  He seemingly possesses a sense of right and wrong and will act accordingly, yet he blusters about being a survivalist. 

Of course, for all of his good qualities, he is not without his flaws.  He wanders through his life in the seedy underbelly of the universe in search of adventure—and a paycheck—often associating with the wrong people.  He has a habit of making only a few friends and many enemies, which ultimately leads to trouble.  Because he is flippant, he occasionally has difficulty verbally communicating his love for his girlfriend and may very well be frozen emotionally.  He also exhibits signs of jealousy.

Like most women (and maybe some men), though, I find that I am attracted to his devil-may-care attitude and the twinkle in his eye.  I like that there is a sense of rakishness and spontaneity about him, yet, somehow, it seems as if he has planned for everything to happen as it eventually does.  He has had a lifetime of experience and various accomplishments, some of which he is only too happy to share.  While modest about his leadership qualities, he apparently enjoys acting as the “knight in shining armor” who saves the day. Han Solo is not just a bad boy with a heart of gold.  He is challenging without creating drama.  In the end, he realizes what is important and sticks with it.

Plus he looks mighty damned fine in a vest and tight pants. 

I realize in delving into this idea further, I have always been attracted to the Han Solo archetype (Captain Malcolm Reynolds on Firefly, Adam Ant, heck, even my first boyfriend to some extent).  Having grown up with the original Star Wars movies, my first example of a romantic relationship came from Han Solo and Princess Leia.  They were firey, loving, sassy, sometimes exasperating and even flawed.  She didn’t need him to rescue her, but his contributions to her cause were invaluable.  He realizes the value of love when he is rendered vulnerable and has to rely on her (and his friends) for help.  Fictional or no, this relationship (and this type of man) is what is appealing to me.  Does this exist in real life?  If so, may the Force be with me as I search for it!

Who Needs a Day, When There Is a Month?

From illegally performed marriage ceremonies to mob-related massacres, Valentine’s Day has a strange and colorful history.  It is often a day that is fraught with both angst and hope.  Even with all of the commercial build-up to February 14^th, all I can say is, thank goodness it is only one day out of the year.

Some people refer to Valentine’s Day as “Singleness Awareness Day”.  They view it as a made-up holiday that focuses entirely too much on love.  Love may certainly be all around us (i.e. friends, family, self, etc.), and yet the day gets a bad rap for stressing the importance of couple hood and being in love.

My own memories of Valentine’s Day revolve around clutching a handmade Valentine of construction paper and doilies as I walk nervously through the classroom to deposit it secretly on the desk of my crush, my heart thudding a tattoo of his name.  Not one to settle down too young, there was a different one each year:  I love you, Brian.  David.  Billy…and yet, looking back, they probably didn’t love me.  God knows I never got a Valentine from any of them. 

Ironically, my daughter has yet to experience the anxiety of the Valentine exchange.  Because she is currently enrolled in a year-round track school, she has always been on vacation for Valentine’s Day.  Although she has claimed one of the boys in her class as her future husband, she has yet to make this a public declaration in such an, um, creative way.  I am hoping that this will not cause her to later profess this love in an ill-written poem in her high school English class (á la Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed), lest her memories of the “holiday” become tainted.

Yet, as always, it is our perceptions that make something what it is.  For some, Singleness Awareness stretches throughout the entire month or even year, merely reaching its pinnacle on Valentine’s Day. I once saw a Valentine’s Day ad in a newspaper that said, “Here’s hoping your VD is a non-irritating one.”  I have also attended anti-Valentine’s parties (some of which involved burning valentines, pictures and effigies)—hell, I even had my heart broken at one when the object of my affection was seen kissing another woman.  Somehow, through it all I still have this notion that it is only the emphasis that we place on the day that makes it awful.  I have had my heart obliterated, trampled and decimated and yet, I still believe in love.  I just don’t think there is only one day to share the love…or to feel its absence. 

In truth, February in general has historically been an emotionally charged month for me for many reasons.  After only just surviving the holidays, here comes a month filled with various dates of alleged personal importance.  A few key dates to note:

February 5:  A few years ago, this was the date of my wedding anniversary.  Although, it hasn’t been celebrated in quite some time, it is still with wistful fondness (and decided disappointment) that I recall the date.  I am happy to report, however, that this year it instead marks the anniversary of getting my first tattoo.

February 13:  It was on this day (ahem) 39 years ago that the angels joyfully chorused.  The sun shone brighter.  People were kinder.  Oh yeah, and I was born.

While I don’t fully dread getting older, this day is bittersweet due to its proximity to Valentine’s Day.  With my birthday there is the same melancholy that occasionally clouds the joy of Christmas:  The idea that I may not have any presents to open unless I purchase them myself.  I do not feel that I want for much, so, no, this is not a plea for people to buy me presents!  It is simply an observation that tokens of affection and/or a tangible celebration of my birth may hinge more on my own doing than on the kindness of others.  I think we all have a desire to know that we matter to others, that the day of our birth is important…don’t we?

(On a side note, I also share my birthday with Peter Tork of the Monkees and Peter Gabriel.  Don’t even ask me why I find that interesting.)

The remainder of February includes the birthdays of some of my favorite people.  Those of past friends, my first love, a few of my relatives (even a couple of presidents!)…Whether they benefit from the melee of Valentine’s Day, or are slighted because of their birthdays’ proximity, is unclear.  I only know that once V-Day is over, however, that the month seems much less stressful. 

Well, until next year.