A few weeks ago I acted in a show called Any Given Monday for a local theater company. A dark comedy about what happens after a woman leaves her husband, suffice it to say, I have spent the last couple of months amidst swirling emotions. Although not exactly my own story, the similarities brought up a lot of feelings with which I thought I’d already dealt, implanting them once again into my consciousness. I even dyed my hair brown for the show, a color I later realized I haven’t had since I was married. I have been wistful, introspective, impatient and occasionally weepy (although that could just as well be from watching Grey’s Anatomy marathons on Netflix). Sometimes it really sucks being such an emotional creature.
Anyone who knows me (or who has read my previous blog entries) may remember that my marriage ended after my ex had an affair with another woman. Sure, we tried therapy, but by the time we did, it was futile. I never believed he had any interest in fixing the marriage or even any remorse about the affair, barely even recognizing it as such. People always talk about life-changing events. The divorce was one of mine. I had been rocked to the core...and I apparently still feel the rumblings.
Why then was I drawn to a play which would dredge up such emotion? Am I simply a glutton for punishment? Ha. Perhaps. In truth, however, I have always been attracted to projects and experiences from which I will learn something or grow somehow. I’d hoped that this show would be cathartic--even if only by giving me a chance to work on a show not involving kids, Shakespeare or monologues about vaginas.
I was not disappointed.
Part of acting is becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. And, whew, was this play uncomfortable. In the play, the wife leaves her husband for another man, yet, when she realizes her mistake, she returns home and begs to be taken back. While there are other circumstances that force this decision, she admits the folly of what she had done. Her husband forgives her and they are able to move forward, their relationship stronger than ever. Reinforced by the casting of the actors as my husband and daughter (whose portrayals were eerily similar to the personalities of my own ex-husband and an older version of my daughter), is it any wonder that this play perhaps offered the resolution I never felt I had? And it was nice being married again--even if only in two-hour increments (and to someone who went home to his real wife).
Sigh.
I know there is no time limit to grief or personal growth, but I couldn’t help but also be agitated by all the re-emerging feelings associated with doing this play. I just sometimes feel so stuck in my progress and unable to move on--a sentiment solidified by the sad fact that I am still single, still struggling, still...well, just STILL. I know there have been some changes, but every once in a while I feel everything so keenly I can’t help but think, “Seriously? This again?”
Yet I keep pushing through it, attempting to keep the Blue Meanies* at bay. I keep challenging myself (like with this play) and working for change, yet as I do, I often wonder, “Is it enough?” Which of course is followed up with: “Will it ever be?”; “What else do I do?”; “Is there anything I can do?”; And the old chestnut, “What the hell is my path?” Further and further down the rabbit hole, into a deeper, darker place...
And then I see this quote on, of all places, Facebook (which apparently does some good sometimes): “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried, but actually you’ve been planted.”
So there it is. An explanation for all of my struggles: I have been planted. I am just waiting for my time to bloom. And then I am going to spread out all over like a creeping rhododendron...or a Passion Flower. Everything’s coming up roses and all that. Just have to wait for my season.
Man, I hope it’s soon. Maybe I'd better go get my “petals” ready and dye my hair pink again. Can’t poke my head through as a flower in the same color as the dirt.
Until next time lovelies….
*The Blue Meanies is a reference to the villains in Yellow Submarine. I use it as a metaphor for cranky (non-clinical) depression. This is not a state in which I prefer to be around other people.
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