I recently came to the realization that I have lived in Reno now for nearly 10 years. Although I made the choice to move here for the betterment of our family, I have been divorced for almost half that time. This is, not surprisingly, an idea that sticks in my craw on many levels.
I often wish that I could say that my divorce doesn't affect me anymore, but I'd be lying. Of course it does. Even now, five years after the breakup, as I still deal with the frustration of inefficient communication with and limited cooperation from the ex, I am disappointed. Regardless of how much I think I have emotionally moved on, it all still bugs me. He still bugs me.
Add to that, of course, the constant struggle of making ends meet, the living in the same messy apartment, the insurance hassles and the single momhood (with so few romantic prospects I may as well be a nun), it is perhaps understandable that during this time of year in particular is when I often feel my divorce the most. While certainly not the only time of year that I deal with the effects, after quasi-recuperating from the busyness of summer employment and costume making in my Halloween Sweatshop of One, November and December seem to be particularly challenging. Maybe it's because November is the anniversary of the divorce or because of the holidays, but I often feel just so, well, meh.
As a means of alleviating or even simply understanding the doldrums, I decided to go through my older posts (and half posts yet to be finished). Perhaps there was some clue among my previously written missives as to how to self-motivate, instigate change or, more importantly, recognize my path? What I discovered instead is that although the tone may be slightly different (less angry or overtly cheerful), the underlying themes of most of my posts are so much the same--especially those in the later part of the year (Now is the Winter of our discontent...ha ha). This is, of course, partially the problem.
Over and over again, I have listed my wishes and goals. I have pushed myself to try new things. I have worked to be open to possibilities and grateful for what I have. Perhaps because I believe that I am on the verge of Something Great, however, I find myself taking stock in how far I've come throughout the year--or haven't come as the case may be. I cannot help but feel impatient that there seems to be so little progress in my life since the divorce. Internally, leaps and bounds perhaps. Externally, not so much. It's hard not to be disheartened.
In a recent discussion about this with my little sister from another mister, I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Although she is in her twenties (I am nearly twice her age!) and newly married, we each are battling a similar malaise, this sense of wanting to be something more...but not quite getting there. We are each at a crossroads, each feeling that the path to even get to the fork in the road is winding and meandering. Although she is just starting on her journey, while I feel like I am RE-starting, we are each craving change, preferably of a positive nature. We have already been living in a quagmire. We don't want to be stuck there, but, dear God, how do we get out of it?
As with anything, there is no easy answer, no quick-fix or miracle cure, no matter how much I wish there could be. I know that this is just a phase of my life, but, seriously, five years is more than enough time to be feeling like this, thanks. It's getting to the point that I don't even know what other lesson I can glean from this experience. Malaise and Apathy need not be permanent residents. This ain't no pity party. I refuse to believe that this is all there is to my life.
Gah. Time to go travel or dye my hair or move or, well, something. I hope I can break out of my chrysalis and spread my wings soon. I'll keep you posted.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep....
Until next time, my Lovelies....
