All You Need is....

There is a superstition I have on road trips of making a wish when I cross over a state line.  For added measure, I will also kiss my hand and tap the ceiling of the car.  I am not entirely sure where this superstition came from, maybe from watching a friend or family member do something similar, but it is something that my daughter now does too.  I cannot speak to her wish, but mine is always the same: “Health, Wealth, Happiness, Love.” 

Lest you worry that these things won’t come true if I share this wish with you, don’t.  After all, they haven’t yet.  But as we are in a period of reflection at the start of a new year, maybe this is the perfect time to re-evaluate this wish. 

HEALTH

Although I have managed thus far to stave off any major illnesses or injuries, there is a certain level of physical and mental disintegration that I have endured within this last year (and by year, I really mean decade).  Anxiety, depression, physical and mental exhaustion…these are my normal states of being now—so much so that I find it difficult to even sit and write. I need to recharge my battery, fill my cup, whatever it is that will help.  And I have no idea what will help.  It’s certainly not the hormonal imbalances that have started to affect this “woman of a certain age”. 

WEALTH

We've heard it said that “money is the root of all evil”…but not having it doesn’t bode well either.  I will tell you something that not many people know:  I have never been so effing broke in my entire life.  Perhaps it just seems that way because I am working multiple (low-paying) jobs, the creditors (and bankruptcy) are hounding me, rent has doubled in the last three years and I am a single mom to a teenaged daughter.  Due to unfortunate circumstances, what was supposed to be a second job, has become the first job.  Ain’t no one can live on minimum wage, my friend.  Yes, I traveled to England this past August, but was only able to do so because my ex gave me airline miles to go pick my daughter up from camp (which he also paid for) and an angel of a friend let us stay with her.  In reality, I only had $700 at the time, garnered from the meager tips I’d collected for months of working as a barista at Starbucks…and I was stressed out the entire trip that I wouldn’t have enough to make it back home.

HAPPINESS

Not gonna lie…working as a barista is the worst job I’ve ever had.  Oh, I suppose the job itself is fine, but I have never seen such awful, entitled people in my entire life (and I’ve worked A LOT of customer service jobs).  It’s like dealing with a bunch of toddlers who have been deprived of snacks and naps. 

But there is one advantage to working at Starbucks:  tuition reimbursement.  Even with all of the school I’ve attended, I’d never completed my bachelor’s degree (just an associate degree).  Strangely, I really love going to school and this job will help pay for it.  If I can just keep it together for a little while longer, I will have a nice shiny degree to show for it.  Not sure why I need this degree so much, other than knowing I can allegedly get a higher paying job because of it.  If nothing else, hey, I love going to school.  Lol. 

LOVE

Um…I got nothing.  OK, not nothing.  I theoretically have my daughter, friends, and family.  But I also have an overwhelming sense of loneliness—which probably explains all of those online streaming services (like Netflix, not porn, people), my two cats (crazy cat lady here I come!) and the cocoon-like piles of laundry on my bed (who needs a boyfriend pillow or a weighted blanket?  Not me!).  Most of my close friends are married or in committed relationships so I rarely see them.  Instead, I’ve resorted to crawling into my hobbit hole rather than seeking out companionship (romantic or otherwise) because it’s, well, easier.  The older I get, the more I understand that I am no longer an extrovert.  I don’t prefer to be around people—especially after slinging coffee for the assholes of the world.  It also becomes harder and harder for me to reach out to others for fear that I am bothering them.  I am exhausted by trying to live my best life and not feeling that I have the resources to do so.

Le big sigh. 

So, where does that leave me for 2020?  Finding a new wish?  Not taking any more road trips.  No, of course not.  But perhaps the way to achieving what I want isn’t just in wishing for these four things for myself, but for others as well.  I resolve, therefore, to endeavor to spread the positivity this year. 

May you find Health, Wealth, Happiness and Love, fellow humans.  Don’t forget to spread it around.

Until next time, my Lovelies….

Life in the Land of Meh

I recently came to the realization that I have lived in Reno now for nearly 10 years.  Although I made the choice to move here for the betterment of our family, I have been divorced for almost half that time.  This is, not surprisingly, an idea that sticks in my craw on many levels.

I often wish that I could say that my divorce doesn't affect me anymore, but I'd be lying.  Of course it does.  Even now, five years after the breakup, as I still deal with the frustration of inefficient communication with and limited cooperation from the ex, I am disappointed.  Regardless of how much I think I have emotionally moved on, it all still bugs me.  He still bugs me.

Add to that, of course, the constant struggle of making ends meet, the living in the same messy apartment, the insurance hassles and the single momhood (with so few romantic prospects I may as well be a nun), it is perhaps understandable that during this time of year in particular is when I often feel my divorce the most.  While certainly not the only time of year that I deal with the effects, after quasi-recuperating from the busyness of summer employment and costume making in my Halloween Sweatshop of One, November and December seem to be particularly challenging.  Maybe it's because November is the anniversary of the divorce or because of the holidays, but I often feel just so, well, meh.

As a means of alleviating or even simply understanding the doldrums, I decided to go through my older posts (and half posts yet to be finished).  Perhaps there was some clue among my previously written missives as to how to self-motivate, instigate change or, more importantly, recognize my path? What I discovered instead is that although the tone may be slightly different (less angry or overtly cheerful), the underlying themes of most of my posts are so much the same--especially those in the later part of the year (Now is the Winter of our discontent...ha ha).  This is, of course, partially the problem.

Over and over again, I have listed my wishes and goals.  I have pushed myself to try new things.  I have worked to be open to possibilities and grateful for what I have.  Perhaps because I believe that I am on the verge of Something Great, however, I find myself taking stock in how far I've come throughout the year--or haven't come as the case may be. I cannot help but feel impatient that there seems to be so little progress in my life since the divorce.  Internally, leaps and bounds perhaps.   Externally, not so much.  It's hard not to be disheartened.

In a recent discussion about this with my little sister from another mister, I know I am not alone in feeling this way.  Although she is in her twenties (I am nearly twice her age!) and newly married, we each are battling a similar malaise, this sense of wanting to be something more...but not quite getting there.  We are each at a crossroads, each feeling that the path to even get to the fork in the road is winding and meandering.  Although she is just starting on her journey, while I feel like I am RE-starting, we are each craving change, preferably of a positive nature.  We have already been living in a quagmire.  We don't want to be stuck there, but, dear God, how do we get out of it?

As with anything, there is no easy answer, no quick-fix or miracle cure, no matter how much I wish there could be. I know that this is just a phase of my life, but, seriously, five years is more than enough time to be feeling like this, thanks.  It's getting to the point that I don't even know what other lesson I can glean from this experience.  Malaise and Apathy need not be permanent residents.  This ain't no pity party.  I refuse to believe that this is all there is to my life.

Gah.  Time to go travel or dye my hair or move or, well, something.  I hope I can break out of my chrysalis and spread my wings soon.  I'll keep you posted.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep....

Until next time, my Lovelies....