All You Need is....

There is a superstition I have on road trips of making a wish when I cross over a state line.  For added measure, I will also kiss my hand and tap the ceiling of the car.  I am not entirely sure where this superstition came from, maybe from watching a friend or family member do something similar, but it is something that my daughter now does too.  I cannot speak to her wish, but mine is always the same: “Health, Wealth, Happiness, Love.” 

Lest you worry that these things won’t come true if I share this wish with you, don’t.  After all, they haven’t yet.  But as we are in a period of reflection at the start of a new year, maybe this is the perfect time to re-evaluate this wish. 

HEALTH

Although I have managed thus far to stave off any major illnesses or injuries, there is a certain level of physical and mental disintegration that I have endured within this last year (and by year, I really mean decade).  Anxiety, depression, physical and mental exhaustion…these are my normal states of being now—so much so that I find it difficult to even sit and write. I need to recharge my battery, fill my cup, whatever it is that will help.  And I have no idea what will help.  It’s certainly not the hormonal imbalances that have started to affect this “woman of a certain age”. 

WEALTH

We've heard it said that “money is the root of all evil”…but not having it doesn’t bode well either.  I will tell you something that not many people know:  I have never been so effing broke in my entire life.  Perhaps it just seems that way because I am working multiple (low-paying) jobs, the creditors (and bankruptcy) are hounding me, rent has doubled in the last three years and I am a single mom to a teenaged daughter.  Due to unfortunate circumstances, what was supposed to be a second job, has become the first job.  Ain’t no one can live on minimum wage, my friend.  Yes, I traveled to England this past August, but was only able to do so because my ex gave me airline miles to go pick my daughter up from camp (which he also paid for) and an angel of a friend let us stay with her.  In reality, I only had $700 at the time, garnered from the meager tips I’d collected for months of working as a barista at Starbucks…and I was stressed out the entire trip that I wouldn’t have enough to make it back home.

HAPPINESS

Not gonna lie…working as a barista is the worst job I’ve ever had.  Oh, I suppose the job itself is fine, but I have never seen such awful, entitled people in my entire life (and I’ve worked A LOT of customer service jobs).  It’s like dealing with a bunch of toddlers who have been deprived of snacks and naps. 

But there is one advantage to working at Starbucks:  tuition reimbursement.  Even with all of the school I’ve attended, I’d never completed my bachelor’s degree (just an associate degree).  Strangely, I really love going to school and this job will help pay for it.  If I can just keep it together for a little while longer, I will have a nice shiny degree to show for it.  Not sure why I need this degree so much, other than knowing I can allegedly get a higher paying job because of it.  If nothing else, hey, I love going to school.  Lol. 

LOVE

Um…I got nothing.  OK, not nothing.  I theoretically have my daughter, friends, and family.  But I also have an overwhelming sense of loneliness—which probably explains all of those online streaming services (like Netflix, not porn, people), my two cats (crazy cat lady here I come!) and the cocoon-like piles of laundry on my bed (who needs a boyfriend pillow or a weighted blanket?  Not me!).  Most of my close friends are married or in committed relationships so I rarely see them.  Instead, I’ve resorted to crawling into my hobbit hole rather than seeking out companionship (romantic or otherwise) because it’s, well, easier.  The older I get, the more I understand that I am no longer an extrovert.  I don’t prefer to be around people—especially after slinging coffee for the assholes of the world.  It also becomes harder and harder for me to reach out to others for fear that I am bothering them.  I am exhausted by trying to live my best life and not feeling that I have the resources to do so.

Le big sigh. 

So, where does that leave me for 2020?  Finding a new wish?  Not taking any more road trips.  No, of course not.  But perhaps the way to achieving what I want isn’t just in wishing for these four things for myself, but for others as well.  I resolve, therefore, to endeavor to spread the positivity this year. 

May you find Health, Wealth, Happiness and Love, fellow humans.  Don’t forget to spread it around.

Until next time, my Lovelies….

The Dangers of Stagnancy

There is a quote in the film Jerry Maguire that has stuck with me throughout the years.  Heck, it was even the keystone of my valedictorian speech from college:  "That is how you become great, man.  Hang your balls out there."

This a principle in which I strongly believe.  Take a risk.  Do something.  Seek forward motion.  Why then did it seem as if there had been so little advancement in my life lately?

If you've read any of my previous blog entries, you might have noticed that many of them have dealt with my crippling malaise from this lack of change and improvement.  Although I had actively tried to make positive changes, I just felt stuck.  As if I were spinning my wheels, but staying in exactly the same place.  In reality, yes, there were baby steps, but internal baby steps that yielded only minimal external results.  I am not OK with feeling trapped by my own stagnancy.

It became apparent that a change in my perception wasn't going to be enough to feel an improvement. The malaise wasn't even about anything specific anymore.  It was just affecting everything.  Every day, I felt tearful, exhausted, impatient...lost.

I began drawing into myself.  The crux, of course, is I am not, nor have I ever been, that person.  I am generally optimistic, ambitious and social, but I was quickly becoming the opposite.  I abused my friends' patience with my misery and complaints.  Hell, I abused my own.  I was wasting away.   Worse, I was losing hope.

It's a terrible thing to lose hope.  If you've never felt hopeless, consider yourself lucky.  To not feel any sense of accomplishment no matter what I did...well, it just effing sucks.  I couldn't keep going that route.  I needed to find my path.  I was going to have to do something drastic to instigate the positive change I craved.

And so, I decided to return to school.  No, this decision wasn't anything that would change the world...but I really only needed it to change my life, didn't I?  Almost twenty years since last I attended school, I'd been feeling the need to immerse myself in learning again.  It wasn't enough to just be on a journey of self-discovery, I wanted to be adding knowledge and skills...and opportunities.

Therefore, upon careful reflection (and ad nauseam conversations with my nearest and dearest), I have taken the semester off from teaching and will now shift my focus to learning instead.  Of course, this is a decision that scares me.  Could I afford not to work (especially since I am hardly rolling in the dough as it is)?  Was this the right choice?  Would this really be the change I desire?  How would this affect my daughter?

In the words of The Doors:  "The time to hesitate is through."

Wish me luck!

Until next time, Lovelies....