The Dangers of Stagnancy

There is a quote in the film Jerry Maguire that has stuck with me throughout the years.  Heck, it was even the keystone of my valedictorian speech from college:  "That is how you become great, man.  Hang your balls out there."

This a principle in which I strongly believe.  Take a risk.  Do something.  Seek forward motion.  Why then did it seem as if there had been so little advancement in my life lately?

If you've read any of my previous blog entries, you might have noticed that many of them have dealt with my crippling malaise from this lack of change and improvement.  Although I had actively tried to make positive changes, I just felt stuck.  As if I were spinning my wheels, but staying in exactly the same place.  In reality, yes, there were baby steps, but internal baby steps that yielded only minimal external results.  I am not OK with feeling trapped by my own stagnancy.

It became apparent that a change in my perception wasn't going to be enough to feel an improvement. The malaise wasn't even about anything specific anymore.  It was just affecting everything.  Every day, I felt tearful, exhausted, impatient...lost.

I began drawing into myself.  The crux, of course, is I am not, nor have I ever been, that person.  I am generally optimistic, ambitious and social, but I was quickly becoming the opposite.  I abused my friends' patience with my misery and complaints.  Hell, I abused my own.  I was wasting away.   Worse, I was losing hope.

It's a terrible thing to lose hope.  If you've never felt hopeless, consider yourself lucky.  To not feel any sense of accomplishment no matter what I did...well, it just effing sucks.  I couldn't keep going that route.  I needed to find my path.  I was going to have to do something drastic to instigate the positive change I craved.

And so, I decided to return to school.  No, this decision wasn't anything that would change the world...but I really only needed it to change my life, didn't I?  Almost twenty years since last I attended school, I'd been feeling the need to immerse myself in learning again.  It wasn't enough to just be on a journey of self-discovery, I wanted to be adding knowledge and skills...and opportunities.

Therefore, upon careful reflection (and ad nauseam conversations with my nearest and dearest), I have taken the semester off from teaching and will now shift my focus to learning instead.  Of course, this is a decision that scares me.  Could I afford not to work (especially since I am hardly rolling in the dough as it is)?  Was this the right choice?  Would this really be the change I desire?  How would this affect my daughter?

In the words of The Doors:  "The time to hesitate is through."

Wish me luck!

Until next time, Lovelies....