All You Need is....

There is a superstition I have on road trips of making a wish when I cross over a state line.  For added measure, I will also kiss my hand and tap the ceiling of the car.  I am not entirely sure where this superstition came from, maybe from watching a friend or family member do something similar, but it is something that my daughter now does too.  I cannot speak to her wish, but mine is always the same: “Health, Wealth, Happiness, Love.” 

Lest you worry that these things won’t come true if I share this wish with you, don’t.  After all, they haven’t yet.  But as we are in a period of reflection at the start of a new year, maybe this is the perfect time to re-evaluate this wish. 

HEALTH

Although I have managed thus far to stave off any major illnesses or injuries, there is a certain level of physical and mental disintegration that I have endured within this last year (and by year, I really mean decade).  Anxiety, depression, physical and mental exhaustion…these are my normal states of being now—so much so that I find it difficult to even sit and write. I need to recharge my battery, fill my cup, whatever it is that will help.  And I have no idea what will help.  It’s certainly not the hormonal imbalances that have started to affect this “woman of a certain age”. 

WEALTH

We've heard it said that “money is the root of all evil”…but not having it doesn’t bode well either.  I will tell you something that not many people know:  I have never been so effing broke in my entire life.  Perhaps it just seems that way because I am working multiple (low-paying) jobs, the creditors (and bankruptcy) are hounding me, rent has doubled in the last three years and I am a single mom to a teenaged daughter.  Due to unfortunate circumstances, what was supposed to be a second job, has become the first job.  Ain’t no one can live on minimum wage, my friend.  Yes, I traveled to England this past August, but was only able to do so because my ex gave me airline miles to go pick my daughter up from camp (which he also paid for) and an angel of a friend let us stay with her.  In reality, I only had $700 at the time, garnered from the meager tips I’d collected for months of working as a barista at Starbucks…and I was stressed out the entire trip that I wouldn’t have enough to make it back home.

HAPPINESS

Not gonna lie…working as a barista is the worst job I’ve ever had.  Oh, I suppose the job itself is fine, but I have never seen such awful, entitled people in my entire life (and I’ve worked A LOT of customer service jobs).  It’s like dealing with a bunch of toddlers who have been deprived of snacks and naps. 

But there is one advantage to working at Starbucks:  tuition reimbursement.  Even with all of the school I’ve attended, I’d never completed my bachelor’s degree (just an associate degree).  Strangely, I really love going to school and this job will help pay for it.  If I can just keep it together for a little while longer, I will have a nice shiny degree to show for it.  Not sure why I need this degree so much, other than knowing I can allegedly get a higher paying job because of it.  If nothing else, hey, I love going to school.  Lol. 

LOVE

Um…I got nothing.  OK, not nothing.  I theoretically have my daughter, friends, and family.  But I also have an overwhelming sense of loneliness—which probably explains all of those online streaming services (like Netflix, not porn, people), my two cats (crazy cat lady here I come!) and the cocoon-like piles of laundry on my bed (who needs a boyfriend pillow or a weighted blanket?  Not me!).  Most of my close friends are married or in committed relationships so I rarely see them.  Instead, I’ve resorted to crawling into my hobbit hole rather than seeking out companionship (romantic or otherwise) because it’s, well, easier.  The older I get, the more I understand that I am no longer an extrovert.  I don’t prefer to be around people—especially after slinging coffee for the assholes of the world.  It also becomes harder and harder for me to reach out to others for fear that I am bothering them.  I am exhausted by trying to live my best life and not feeling that I have the resources to do so.

Le big sigh. 

So, where does that leave me for 2020?  Finding a new wish?  Not taking any more road trips.  No, of course not.  But perhaps the way to achieving what I want isn’t just in wishing for these four things for myself, but for others as well.  I resolve, therefore, to endeavor to spread the positivity this year. 

May you find Health, Wealth, Happiness and Love, fellow humans.  Don’t forget to spread it around.

Until next time, my Lovelies….

On the Eighth Day of Christmas...

ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It’s the first day of 2019 and my Facebook feed is (not surprisingly) filled with reflections of the past year.  So many people hoping for a better year than the last.  

The realist in me, however, wonders whether we aren’t putting too much pressure on ourselves—and on the end of the year.  Although it is a convenient, seemingly monumental changing of the date, there really is no reason to wait for the rollover of the year.  Change can happen any day. 

I am a big proponent of making change happen.  Although there is always the question of whether certain things are meant to happen (i.e. destiny), I still like to believe that we have control over our futures.  Even amidst the chaos in which we sometimes find ourselves, we can still better our lives and our situations.  Maybe we have to wait a little longer to see the results, but don’t we at least have to try?

That’s not to say I haven’t been struck down mid-stride with what seems like a pile of shitty situations.  Of course I have.  If I know one thing about myself, however, it’s I am a fighter.  I know I’ve survived before.  I will do so again.  And yes, I am writing that as a reminder to myself as well. 

And so, here we are at the start of the New Year.  Although the pragmatist knows there may be rough times ahead, the optimist knows we will all get through whatever is thrown our way.  She also wishes everyone the best as they strive for what they deem as “better”.  We’ll be OK, my darlings. 

Until Next Time, Lovelies…

On the Seventh Day of Christmas....

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...TRIUMPHS  (OR REFLECTIONS OF THE PAST YEAR)!

Every New Year’s Eve I, as many of us are wont to do, reflect upon the past year.  This generally involves revisiting my previous list of resolutions and creating a new one.  As with the end of 2017, however, I feel like my resolutions are ONCE AGAIN virtually the same ones I have every year.  I don’t know if that denotes that I haven’t done all of the work or that I need to change my resolutions...or, maybe, that I just keep doing the same thing in hopes of a different outcome?  I mean, I still find myself broke, single and living in a messy apartment.   What else is new?

So let’s take a look back at some of the triumphs of 2018, shall we?  After all, amidst the clutter and chaos there is still buried treasure. 

THEATER

Ever my bliss, theater has proven to be pretty rewarding this year.  My production partner and I created a beautiful and poignant show comprised of original and published works entitled The Human Perspective as a fundraiser for a local charity.  We have also begun pre-production on two other shows (both musicals!) and production on a series of musical revues for a local theater (opening next year).  Additionally, I have also been cast in not one, but three shows which I am not producing (yes, that is a good thing...a luxury, even)—two of which open next year!

WORK

In July of 2018, I switched to a different salon.  Although there were many benefits to working at the first one, I knew it wasn’t the place for me—a fact which was exhibited by poor health, increased anxiety and decreased performance.  I am grateful for what I learned there, but also for the opportunity to have found a new place where I feel more at ease.  I am still working on building my clientele and continuing education (OMG I took the most AWESOME color class in Los Angeles!), but I am hopeful that I can take more ownership of my career in 2019. 

HOME

My thirteen-year-old continues to be…well, really good at being thirteen.  Lol.  She is intelligent, stubborn, witty, poised, determined, stubborn, delightful, feisty, kooky…did I mention stubborn?  In the past she was always very much a “daddy’s girl”, but I really feel that we’ve been forging much more of a bond lately.  I wish that extended to her cleaning the house more, but, ah well.  Baby steps.

Besides, the cat doesn’t do anything either. 

PERSONAL

I keep working toward just being the best person I can.  That, after all, is the only all-encompassing resolution this work-in-progress gal seems capable of handling sometimes.  I still feel things intensely, but I am always working to communicate in a level-headed, intelligent way.  Sometimes that means writing more.  Sometimes that means just letting shit go.  Sometimes that means being very honest and open with my thoughts—or just showing my crazy once in a while.  You’re welcome.  Ha ha.

FRIENDSHIP

I wish I had spent more time with my friends in 2018, but I am appreciative for the ones with whom I was able to get together.  I will have to work on that for 2019!  Yes, it probably seems funny to think that someone as seemingly extroverted as I am would need to work on socialization, but I do.  It never really does me any good to hole up at home.  Sometimes a little social interaction is all I need.  I do like my Netflix time, though. 

I have also met/become better friends with some REALLY awesome people this year.  I look forward to being around them more too. 

So there you go, Lovelies, some of the highlights of my year.  I hope that you are able to look back at your year and find some triumphs of your own…and that you are able to build upon them for 2019!

Until next year, Lovelies...HAPPY NEW YEAR!

On the First Day of Christmas...

On the First day of Christmas my True Love gave to me…Oh, who are we kidding?  I am my own True Love.  Not in an egotistical way, of course, but I am responsible for creating my own holiday cheer, after all.  No easy task, by the way.  Honestly, I find even leaving the house to participate in holiday festivities a bit of a challenge.  I am frazzled, stressed, exhausted by the season.  There is no Hallmark movie style romance for me.  Christmas music sometimes makes me homicidal.  If there were presents under the tree this year, they were likely put there by me (with the notable exception of an awesome twelve-pack of Star Wars socks that one of my best friends gave me).   And people wonder why I am a self-proclaimed Grinch. 

But I’ve decided to try and be a bit kinder to myself this season and give myself the ultimate gift.  No, not therapy. 

It has long been assumed that the “Twelve days of Christmas” refers to the twelve days prior to Christmas.  Historically, however, it actually refers to the twelve days after Christmas (Christmas Day until January 5^th).  There are celebrations throughout various countries focused on this time period  (Fun fact:  Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, draws its title from such festivities, but never refers to Christmas.).    

In light of these Twelve Days, I have decided to challenge myself to write one blog entry per day, hopefully focusing on something positive for the season.  The benefits of this are twofold:  I will not only add to my blog content (something which I have been remiss to do this year), but open myself up to more positivity as well.  Because a Grinch needs all the help she can get. 

And so for the First Day of Christmas, my True Love (me), gave to myself…the Gift of Writing.  Although I have not written/published as many blog entries this year, I give myself permission to realize that I have still written material for various projects—and I can always write more.  I am grateful that I occasionally have the ability to string semi-cohesive thoughts together.  I am happy to be able to share that ability with you (the benefit of which will be even greater if you actually enjoy my ramblings…I mean, writings). 

Happy Holidays, my Lovelies.  Until next time….

Wishing You a BETTER Year

One of my best friends married her beau today.  With the blessed union occurring on the final day of the year, the conversation, of course, turned to Resolutions for the New Year.  My friend's new husband shared that he doesn't really make resolutions.  Rather, he simply wishes that the next year will be an improvement upon the last.  This wish, he hopes, will continue to create both an upward trajectory and a positive tone (and framework) for the next 365 days.

I rather like this philosophy for the very simple reason that I always seem to have trouble keeping most of my resolutions.  Additionally, it puts the previous year in perspective, forcing me to think about what went well (and for what I am grateful)...and what I'd like to be improved.  

So in reflecting upon 2017, I revisit the resolutions listed in my blog entry from the start of the year ('16 Going on '17), if only to establish a base for that improvement. Not surprisingly, some things are now as they were at the beginning of the year (Yup, still single, still broke, still living in a messy apartment...albeit a new one.  Lol.), but some things have definitely been accomplished as hoped.  Let's see how the year has shaped up, shall we?

RESOLUTIONS FROM 2017:

WRITE MORE

OK, I didn't write very many blog entries, but I've been writing various pieces for shows that I have produced (or am producing) and done various "odd jobs".

WORRY LESS

Hmmm.  Let's take this off the list, shall we?  Oh, to dream the impossible dream.  Ha ha.  

FINISH SCHOOL

I'd wanted to finish by June.  It actually wasn't until November, but I managed to finally graduate--and delivered a speech at the graduation.  And because I can't do anything simply, I also produced, directed and acted in a show at the same time.  Yup, clocked my last hour...and then opened the show.  Go me.  

GET JOB IN CHOSEN FIELD

Employed as of December 12th!  Just need to keep my anxiety under control as I work hard to improve my craft in a much more strict and demanding environment.  

CREATE GREAT THEATER (Act, Produce, Direct)

Directed/Produced/Acted in two shows for my theater company; Acted in two others.  I thought they were great.  So did the audiences.  So, CHECK!

Actively working on a new show (or two.  Or more.) for 2018, by the way.  

SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS, LOVED ONES AND THE CAT

Well, the cat garnered most of my free time. That needy beast.  Sorry about that friends and loved ones. 

CLEAN THE APARTMENT

Um, it was clean when I moved out of the old one and before I moved into the new one.  But I can sit on the couch at least.  Ha ha.  

Yeah, yeah.  It's a work in progress.  Always.

SURROUND MYSELF WITH POSITIVITY AND LOVE

Still working on it.  Not doing too poorly.  Some days are more challenging than others, but I have good friends and a pretty cool daughter.  

OH YEAH, AND SOMEHOW OBTAIN JOHNNY DEPP AND A MILLION DOLLARS

This was my daughter's Christmas present to me.  Funny girl.  

MOVING FORWARD:

All in all, 2017 was not too horrible for me personally (so uplifting, I know).  Truthfully, yes, I am still in somewhat of a "Survival Mode" as I scramble to stay afloat financially or strive to not be brought down by the current political climate or state of humanity.  Yes, there were various tribulations and some sadness, but there were personal triumphs as well.  As we move forward into 2018, however, I hope (as my friend's husband did) to continue an upward trajectory and to ultimately improve upon this past year.  There has been some great groundwork laid...I hope I will see some successes from those labors.  Maybe I will travel more.  Get the big bucks.  Find true love.  Put away the laundry.  Or maybe I will just find myself wanting for less.  Hey, who knows?  It's a new year, after all.

Until next time, Lovelies.  Here's wishing your 2018 is even better than your 2017.   Happy New Year!