All You Need is....

There is a superstition I have on road trips of making a wish when I cross over a state line.  For added measure, I will also kiss my hand and tap the ceiling of the car.  I am not entirely sure where this superstition came from, maybe from watching a friend or family member do something similar, but it is something that my daughter now does too.  I cannot speak to her wish, but mine is always the same: “Health, Wealth, Happiness, Love.” 

Lest you worry that these things won’t come true if I share this wish with you, don’t.  After all, they haven’t yet.  But as we are in a period of reflection at the start of a new year, maybe this is the perfect time to re-evaluate this wish. 

HEALTH

Although I have managed thus far to stave off any major illnesses or injuries, there is a certain level of physical and mental disintegration that I have endured within this last year (and by year, I really mean decade).  Anxiety, depression, physical and mental exhaustion…these are my normal states of being now—so much so that I find it difficult to even sit and write. I need to recharge my battery, fill my cup, whatever it is that will help.  And I have no idea what will help.  It’s certainly not the hormonal imbalances that have started to affect this “woman of a certain age”. 

WEALTH

We've heard it said that “money is the root of all evil”…but not having it doesn’t bode well either.  I will tell you something that not many people know:  I have never been so effing broke in my entire life.  Perhaps it just seems that way because I am working multiple (low-paying) jobs, the creditors (and bankruptcy) are hounding me, rent has doubled in the last three years and I am a single mom to a teenaged daughter.  Due to unfortunate circumstances, what was supposed to be a second job, has become the first job.  Ain’t no one can live on minimum wage, my friend.  Yes, I traveled to England this past August, but was only able to do so because my ex gave me airline miles to go pick my daughter up from camp (which he also paid for) and an angel of a friend let us stay with her.  In reality, I only had $700 at the time, garnered from the meager tips I’d collected for months of working as a barista at Starbucks…and I was stressed out the entire trip that I wouldn’t have enough to make it back home.

HAPPINESS

Not gonna lie…working as a barista is the worst job I’ve ever had.  Oh, I suppose the job itself is fine, but I have never seen such awful, entitled people in my entire life (and I’ve worked A LOT of customer service jobs).  It’s like dealing with a bunch of toddlers who have been deprived of snacks and naps. 

But there is one advantage to working at Starbucks:  tuition reimbursement.  Even with all of the school I’ve attended, I’d never completed my bachelor’s degree (just an associate degree).  Strangely, I really love going to school and this job will help pay for it.  If I can just keep it together for a little while longer, I will have a nice shiny degree to show for it.  Not sure why I need this degree so much, other than knowing I can allegedly get a higher paying job because of it.  If nothing else, hey, I love going to school.  Lol. 

LOVE

Um…I got nothing.  OK, not nothing.  I theoretically have my daughter, friends, and family.  But I also have an overwhelming sense of loneliness—which probably explains all of those online streaming services (like Netflix, not porn, people), my two cats (crazy cat lady here I come!) and the cocoon-like piles of laundry on my bed (who needs a boyfriend pillow or a weighted blanket?  Not me!).  Most of my close friends are married or in committed relationships so I rarely see them.  Instead, I’ve resorted to crawling into my hobbit hole rather than seeking out companionship (romantic or otherwise) because it’s, well, easier.  The older I get, the more I understand that I am no longer an extrovert.  I don’t prefer to be around people—especially after slinging coffee for the assholes of the world.  It also becomes harder and harder for me to reach out to others for fear that I am bothering them.  I am exhausted by trying to live my best life and not feeling that I have the resources to do so.

Le big sigh. 

So, where does that leave me for 2020?  Finding a new wish?  Not taking any more road trips.  No, of course not.  But perhaps the way to achieving what I want isn’t just in wishing for these four things for myself, but for others as well.  I resolve, therefore, to endeavor to spread the positivity this year. 

May you find Health, Wealth, Happiness and Love, fellow humans.  Don’t forget to spread it around.

Until next time, my Lovelies….

Loads of Fun

So I live in an apartment complex that isn’t in the worst part of town.  It’s not even the next to worst.  It’s not ghetto adjacent even.  For some reason, however, while the rent goes up, so does the crime.  Or maybe I am just noticing it more. 

I was trying to do my laundry the other day.  Although it was 10am on a Tuesday and there are five machines (well, currently four since one was broken),  I had to make three attempts to get an empty machine.  I often have as many as 4-8 loads come Laundry Day (who knew my daughter and I could generate so much laundry???) and not a lot of full days off, so, like all residents with a mission to finish their laundry quickly, I usually prefer to use as many of the machines as possible.  Keep in mind it’s also $2/wash and $1.75/dry, so Laundry Day is pursuant to when I have the money to actually do the laundry as well. 

My neighbor (a brassy, but seemingly cool woman in her mid-40s or so) was in the laundry room on my first attempt to get a load in the wash.  She had just finished filling the four working washers, so I returned to my apartment to wait the 30 minutes until she was through.  At 30 minutes I tried again.  The washers had just been re-started.  Damn!  Someone had snuck in while I was watching an episode of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.  Back to the couch. 

Another 30 minutes went by.  I tried again.  This time there were three washers free.  Success!  I loaded them up and returned to hang out with Mrs. Maisel. 

When my wash was ready to transfer to the dryer, I returned to the laundry room.  Another older woman was in there, transferring her clothes to the dryers.  She was talking to a younger man about the hike in rent (mine has been raised $150 in two years).  He was pulling clothes out of one of the dryers.  Upon indicating that I could use the one he’d freed,  I started to load my soggy garments into it.  The man offhandedly mentioned something about how he was supposed to have clothes in two separate dryers, but returned to his upstairs apartment.

Which is when all hell broke loose.  As I was loading my clothes, the brassy neighbor came screaming down the stairs.  Well, not screaming because she had laryngitis, but whispering furiously. 

“WHAT THE FUCK?”  She looked in two of the dryers (one of which I was currently filling).  My neighbor slammed the other dryer door shut.  “Someone took my fucking laundry!!!”  She opened it again in disbelief.  Still no laundry.  “Seriously, where are my fucking clothes?”

So let me explain something here.  In spite of liking to use all the machines at once, I am a super courteous resident when it comes to laundry room usage.  If someone comes to the laundry room at the same time, I will relinquish use of one (some) of the machines.  I set a timer so that I can be sure to clear my machines in a timely manner.  I clean out my lint screens.  I hold the laundry room door open for other residents.  And I absolutely cannot, for the life of me, understand why someone would be motivated to steal another person’s laundry. 

Yes, I have heard stories of a woman who will throw people’s laundry in the trash if they leave it in the washer for too long.  I’ve even walked into the laundry room when it smelled like shit (literally) because someone disposed of their dog’s feces in the same trashcan.  I have even found vomit-covered clothing strewn about outside of the laundry room (not sure what happened there).  Apparently, though, this laundry theft is a semi-common occurrence.  The older woman confirmed it with her own story of having recently found a note in the laundry room that was written by another resident pleading for the return of her newly cleaned clothes. 

This, my friends, is fucking bullshit.  I mean, seriously?  This is where we’re headed?  Is it really necessary to go out of one’s way to enter the laundry room (with a key no less) and steal from one’s neighbors?  To clarify, no one here is wealthy.  We ain’t washing couture in the laundry room.  My own laundry is only a veritable cornucopia of Walmart T-Shirts and Thrift Store Cardigans.  Some of my underwear is so filled with holes, I don’t know that I should even wear them as period panties.    What on earth would someone want with another person’s laundry?  I get freaked out just finding someone else’s sock mixed in with mine.  I don’t care if it’s been washed.  It’s not my fucking sock. 

So I went to the office to complain.  I told them I would happily write up a formal complaint.  Of course they did nothing.  They can’t (won’t) do anything, “management” said.  We’re supposed to stay with our laundry, I was told. So I responded (jokingly?), “Then don’t be surprised if you hear of a lavender-haired women in Laundry Room #5 beating up one of the other residents.” 

And so I went to sit in the fucking laundry room to babysit my clothes, writing this blog entry and throwing shade at anyone walking past.  It wasn’t even my laundry that was stolen, but now it’s my mission to make sure that it won’t be.  No one is to be trusted. 

What a waste of time.  Sigh. 

Until next time, my lovelies….

The Lifespan of a Friendship

I still haven’t fully processed this information, but I lost another friend last night...and there was nothing I could do about it.  No, she hasn’t died—which would (and yes, I know this is morbid and perhaps politically incorrect) at least imply that it was none of my doing.  No, this loss comes from so many things I’ve done.

Or rather, didn’t do. 

I’ve long been a believer that people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  If we are lucky, they are positive influences and their presence lasts a lifetime.  This particular woman and I have been friends, in fact, for nearly twenty years.  We were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings, I spoke at her sister’s funeral, my daughter calls her "Aunt"...you get the idea.  We’d endured through many years of heartbreak and joy even after I’d moved to a different state almost nine years ago.

In the past few years, she has been integral to my healing after the divorce.  She was one of the first people I turned to for advice, because she could always be counted on to have a laser-sharp, perceptive opinion.  She had an understanding and objectiveness that were refreshing (even if sometimes cold).   She has helped guide me through some rough emotional times.  She was there for me. 

Apparently, I hadn’t reciprocated.  At least, not in the manner she expected, wanted or needed.  I had taken more than I had given.  I wasn’t a good friend. 

And in some ways, she was right. 

As I listened to her list the ways she felt I had allegedly slighted her and abused our friendship, I realized that much of this had come from my inability to make our friendship a priority. I also realized, however, that whether by choice or due to circumstance, sometimes I just couldn’t.  This, of course, was the problem. She felt our friendship only existed when it was convenient for me, which, while perhaps a gross over-simplification, was not wholly untrue

There is no excusing it, but I know that there are times in my life when I withdraw from the world, becoming so involved with (and overwhelmed by) working through my own shit, that I neglect to focus on others’ needs.  Sometimes, I don’t even recognize their needs because I am operating in what I call “survivor mode”.  Unless the other person clearly communicates and defines what is specifically wanted and/or needed from me (we’re talking with picture books and flashcards, people), I do have a tendency to just continue on with my life thinking that everything is hunky dory…until one day it apparently is not.  I admit, friendships do fall by the wayside as I attempt to restore order to my personal chaos.  I cannot give what I do not readily have and therefore won’t.

Maybe this seems selfish (ironic considering that I have been challenged to even establish a sense of self lately) or that I don’t even give a damn about anyone else.  Either way, I would hope that the people in my life would understand this isn’t the case.  Unfortunately, they sometimes don't, leaving my hope unfulfilled and the crux of the situation more clear.  While there are many reasons a relationship can fail, I tend to believe that almost every failure boils down to Expectations, with a capital “E”. 

What we Expect of other people (communicated or otherwise) will directly affect our relationships and interpersonal connections.  We Expect good service at a restaurant; we may be harder on the waitress having a bad day.  We Expect our lovers to be eternally faithful; we may end the relationship when they aren’t.  We Expect a friend to give as much as we feel we ourselves do; we may be disappointed when they don’t reciprocate. 

(Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, here’s the part where I am once again faced with my flaws.)

Sadly, I have learned that I am not always capable of living up to others’ expectations.  Or my own, for that matter.  I want to have healthy, reciprocal connections with people, but don’t always put in the time to maintain them.  Sometimes I disappear into my problems (or myself) and do not give freely to those around me.  Sometimes I don’t want to.  Sometimes I just can’t.  I do attempt to communicate and be clear about my challenges with time and priorities, but sometimes it isn't enough.  I don't always know how to give to others in the manner that they desire or deserve.  Sometimes I cannot fix a problem or situation (or apologize enough), no matter how much I want to or how hard I try.  

Interestingly, as I was workng to gather myself after the breakup (which is what I call the end of any lengthy relationship, friend or otherwise), I read a quote from A Game of Thrones:  “A bruise is a lesson…and each lesson makes us better.”

Man, am I tired of being bruised and battered.  Maybe I should explore the benefit of hermitude.  Oh wait…  Sigh. 

Yup, another lesson learned.