All You Need is....

There is a superstition I have on road trips of making a wish when I cross over a state line.  For added measure, I will also kiss my hand and tap the ceiling of the car.  I am not entirely sure where this superstition came from, maybe from watching a friend or family member do something similar, but it is something that my daughter now does too.  I cannot speak to her wish, but mine is always the same: “Health, Wealth, Happiness, Love.” 

Lest you worry that these things won’t come true if I share this wish with you, don’t.  After all, they haven’t yet.  But as we are in a period of reflection at the start of a new year, maybe this is the perfect time to re-evaluate this wish. 

HEALTH

Although I have managed thus far to stave off any major illnesses or injuries, there is a certain level of physical and mental disintegration that I have endured within this last year (and by year, I really mean decade).  Anxiety, depression, physical and mental exhaustion…these are my normal states of being now—so much so that I find it difficult to even sit and write. I need to recharge my battery, fill my cup, whatever it is that will help.  And I have no idea what will help.  It’s certainly not the hormonal imbalances that have started to affect this “woman of a certain age”. 

WEALTH

We've heard it said that “money is the root of all evil”…but not having it doesn’t bode well either.  I will tell you something that not many people know:  I have never been so effing broke in my entire life.  Perhaps it just seems that way because I am working multiple (low-paying) jobs, the creditors (and bankruptcy) are hounding me, rent has doubled in the last three years and I am a single mom to a teenaged daughter.  Due to unfortunate circumstances, what was supposed to be a second job, has become the first job.  Ain’t no one can live on minimum wage, my friend.  Yes, I traveled to England this past August, but was only able to do so because my ex gave me airline miles to go pick my daughter up from camp (which he also paid for) and an angel of a friend let us stay with her.  In reality, I only had $700 at the time, garnered from the meager tips I’d collected for months of working as a barista at Starbucks…and I was stressed out the entire trip that I wouldn’t have enough to make it back home.

HAPPINESS

Not gonna lie…working as a barista is the worst job I’ve ever had.  Oh, I suppose the job itself is fine, but I have never seen such awful, entitled people in my entire life (and I’ve worked A LOT of customer service jobs).  It’s like dealing with a bunch of toddlers who have been deprived of snacks and naps. 

But there is one advantage to working at Starbucks:  tuition reimbursement.  Even with all of the school I’ve attended, I’d never completed my bachelor’s degree (just an associate degree).  Strangely, I really love going to school and this job will help pay for it.  If I can just keep it together for a little while longer, I will have a nice shiny degree to show for it.  Not sure why I need this degree so much, other than knowing I can allegedly get a higher paying job because of it.  If nothing else, hey, I love going to school.  Lol. 

LOVE

Um…I got nothing.  OK, not nothing.  I theoretically have my daughter, friends, and family.  But I also have an overwhelming sense of loneliness—which probably explains all of those online streaming services (like Netflix, not porn, people), my two cats (crazy cat lady here I come!) and the cocoon-like piles of laundry on my bed (who needs a boyfriend pillow or a weighted blanket?  Not me!).  Most of my close friends are married or in committed relationships so I rarely see them.  Instead, I’ve resorted to crawling into my hobbit hole rather than seeking out companionship (romantic or otherwise) because it’s, well, easier.  The older I get, the more I understand that I am no longer an extrovert.  I don’t prefer to be around people—especially after slinging coffee for the assholes of the world.  It also becomes harder and harder for me to reach out to others for fear that I am bothering them.  I am exhausted by trying to live my best life and not feeling that I have the resources to do so.

Le big sigh. 

So, where does that leave me for 2020?  Finding a new wish?  Not taking any more road trips.  No, of course not.  But perhaps the way to achieving what I want isn’t just in wishing for these four things for myself, but for others as well.  I resolve, therefore, to endeavor to spread the positivity this year. 

May you find Health, Wealth, Happiness and Love, fellow humans.  Don’t forget to spread it around.

Until next time, my Lovelies….

On the Eighth Day of Christmas...

ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It’s the first day of 2019 and my Facebook feed is (not surprisingly) filled with reflections of the past year.  So many people hoping for a better year than the last.  

The realist in me, however, wonders whether we aren’t putting too much pressure on ourselves—and on the end of the year.  Although it is a convenient, seemingly monumental changing of the date, there really is no reason to wait for the rollover of the year.  Change can happen any day. 

I am a big proponent of making change happen.  Although there is always the question of whether certain things are meant to happen (i.e. destiny), I still like to believe that we have control over our futures.  Even amidst the chaos in which we sometimes find ourselves, we can still better our lives and our situations.  Maybe we have to wait a little longer to see the results, but don’t we at least have to try?

That’s not to say I haven’t been struck down mid-stride with what seems like a pile of shitty situations.  Of course I have.  If I know one thing about myself, however, it’s I am a fighter.  I know I’ve survived before.  I will do so again.  And yes, I am writing that as a reminder to myself as well. 

And so, here we are at the start of the New Year.  Although the pragmatist knows there may be rough times ahead, the optimist knows we will all get through whatever is thrown our way.  She also wishes everyone the best as they strive for what they deem as “better”.  We’ll be OK, my darlings. 

Until Next Time, Lovelies…

Wishing You a BETTER Year

One of my best friends married her beau today.  With the blessed union occurring on the final day of the year, the conversation, of course, turned to Resolutions for the New Year.  My friend's new husband shared that he doesn't really make resolutions.  Rather, he simply wishes that the next year will be an improvement upon the last.  This wish, he hopes, will continue to create both an upward trajectory and a positive tone (and framework) for the next 365 days.

I rather like this philosophy for the very simple reason that I always seem to have trouble keeping most of my resolutions.  Additionally, it puts the previous year in perspective, forcing me to think about what went well (and for what I am grateful)...and what I'd like to be improved.  

So in reflecting upon 2017, I revisit the resolutions listed in my blog entry from the start of the year ('16 Going on '17), if only to establish a base for that improvement. Not surprisingly, some things are now as they were at the beginning of the year (Yup, still single, still broke, still living in a messy apartment...albeit a new one.  Lol.), but some things have definitely been accomplished as hoped.  Let's see how the year has shaped up, shall we?

RESOLUTIONS FROM 2017:

WRITE MORE

OK, I didn't write very many blog entries, but I've been writing various pieces for shows that I have produced (or am producing) and done various "odd jobs".

WORRY LESS

Hmmm.  Let's take this off the list, shall we?  Oh, to dream the impossible dream.  Ha ha.  

FINISH SCHOOL

I'd wanted to finish by June.  It actually wasn't until November, but I managed to finally graduate--and delivered a speech at the graduation.  And because I can't do anything simply, I also produced, directed and acted in a show at the same time.  Yup, clocked my last hour...and then opened the show.  Go me.  

GET JOB IN CHOSEN FIELD

Employed as of December 12th!  Just need to keep my anxiety under control as I work hard to improve my craft in a much more strict and demanding environment.  

CREATE GREAT THEATER (Act, Produce, Direct)

Directed/Produced/Acted in two shows for my theater company; Acted in two others.  I thought they were great.  So did the audiences.  So, CHECK!

Actively working on a new show (or two.  Or more.) for 2018, by the way.  

SPEND MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS, LOVED ONES AND THE CAT

Well, the cat garnered most of my free time. That needy beast.  Sorry about that friends and loved ones. 

CLEAN THE APARTMENT

Um, it was clean when I moved out of the old one and before I moved into the new one.  But I can sit on the couch at least.  Ha ha.  

Yeah, yeah.  It's a work in progress.  Always.

SURROUND MYSELF WITH POSITIVITY AND LOVE

Still working on it.  Not doing too poorly.  Some days are more challenging than others, but I have good friends and a pretty cool daughter.  

OH YEAH, AND SOMEHOW OBTAIN JOHNNY DEPP AND A MILLION DOLLARS

This was my daughter's Christmas present to me.  Funny girl.  

MOVING FORWARD:

All in all, 2017 was not too horrible for me personally (so uplifting, I know).  Truthfully, yes, I am still in somewhat of a "Survival Mode" as I scramble to stay afloat financially or strive to not be brought down by the current political climate or state of humanity.  Yes, there were various tribulations and some sadness, but there were personal triumphs as well.  As we move forward into 2018, however, I hope (as my friend's husband did) to continue an upward trajectory and to ultimately improve upon this past year.  There has been some great groundwork laid...I hope I will see some successes from those labors.  Maybe I will travel more.  Get the big bucks.  Find true love.  Put away the laundry.  Or maybe I will just find myself wanting for less.  Hey, who knows?  It's a new year, after all.

Until next time, Lovelies.  Here's wishing your 2018 is even better than your 2017.   Happy New Year!

'16 Going on '17...

As the year draws to a close, per usual, I find myself reflecting upon the past year and the year to come.  Normally, I greet the changing of the calendar with excitement, maybe some trepidation.  Strangely, though, it just seems like any other day.  No great anxiety.  No extreme worry.  Just...."Yup, it's the end of the year."

That's not to say 2016 wasn't eventful or interesting.  In addition to the political three-ring circus we all endured, there was, of course, an inordinately large amount of well-loved celebrities who passed.  On the personal front, I started school and purchased a new vehicle.  There was even an ill-fated romantic endeavor.  And yet, I start the New Year as I have the last several years:  Still single.  Still broke.  My apartment is still a mess.  I am, as always it seems, living a Life in Transition.

But maybe this is where I am "supposed to be" right now?  While I don't believe in Destiny, I do believe that everything happens for a reason--even if those reasons are only recognizable in retrospect.   And I have learned some super, boss-keen things about myself this year.  Not all who wander are lost, right?

Right?!

No matter.  (Re)building a life is not easy, and that, my friends, is what I have been doing for a long time.  I realize that now.  

And so, gentle readers, as we head into 2017, I make resolutions that are in line with doing just that.  2016 brought with it certain realizations of thought.  May 2017 bring realizations of action.  

Happy New Year!

Until next time, Lovelies....

***

P.S.  I also believe that by putting positive thought into the Universe, we reap positivity.  Plus, by expressing our wants, needs and desires, we become accountable.  So, if you're interested, here are my Resolutions for 2017:

Write more

Worry less

Finish school (preferably before June)

Get a job in chosen field

Create Great Theater  (Act, Produce, Direct)

Spend more time with friends, loved ones and the cat

Clean the apartment 

Surround myself with positivity and love

Oh yeah, and somehow obtain Johnny Depp and a million dollars.  

Forty One-derful Things: The Bikram Yoga Experience

In my effort to have forty-one new adventures in 2015, I decided to try Bikram Yoga.  I had been entertaining the idea for a while, but it wasn't until my friend received a gift certificate for Christmas and invited me to go with her that I even made it through the door of the studio.  This was a Really Big Deal.

My first time in the Bikram Yoga studio was on the day after Christmas.  Although technically at the end of 2014, I consider this experience the first of my Forty One-Derful things, because I have continued to attend classes on an almost daily basis (unheard of for me!).  Not since my foray into Roller Derby have I followed any sort of regimented exercise program.  In truth, I haven't skated regularly since 2010--which tells you how long I have lived a predominately sedentary lifestyle.  Not surprisingly, this period of time coincides with (and is the result of) the break up of my marriage and depression, but I digress.  

If you are unfamiliar with the practice of Bikram Yoga, it is a series of 26 specific movies and 2 breathing exercises performed in 100 degree heat over the course of 90 minutes.  There are many yoga acolytes who frown upon the practice of Bikram Yoga, calling it the commercialization of yoga (just as Tae-Bo allegedly was to kickboxing.  Incidentally, I used to enjoy Tae-Bo until my knees protested.).  I was scared to death to try it.  I mean, seriously, 100 degree heat?!  How can that possibly be good for me?!

What I've found is that the heat doesn't bother me as much as I'd thought it would.  Yeah, it's difficult, but hey, I used to live in the tropics.  It's not unlike that.  After all, when it's hot (and humid!), I move, I sweat.  Currently, however, I have the coolness of winter to help with over-heating once the class is over.  I am not sure how well I will like Bikram Yoga when it is hot outside too.  Time will tell, I guess.  Either way, if just surviving the heat is the most difficult thing I have to do all day, that knowledge itself brings a sense of accomplishment.

Actually, and perhaps surprisingly, the most difficult aspect of Bikram Yoga for me is the breathing and meditation.  I have taken only one other yoga class (not in the heat), and it was the same.  Remembering to breathe through the moves, to focus on stillness, to clear my mind, these are what challenge me the most.  I am not known for sitting still.  Even in repose my brain is always in overdrive.  The more classes I take, however, I find that the regimented moves (and the semi-scripted instruction of the class leaders) help me to release control.  I don't have to think as much about what I am doing (although of course I do).  While the class instructors encourage listening to one's body and only doing what the individual can physically do (even if that means taking a small break to breathe through the discomfort), I can also just strive for improvement, opening myself up to the experience.  Curiously, I especially love the scheduled relaxation moments during the practice.

As with anything, though, there are good and bad days.  One unfocused thought about anything other than the Yoga can cause me angst and agitation. Anything from how I really want a pedicure (Not that anyone cares, but I figure if I have to stare at my feet for the better part of 90 minutes, they should look pretty) to what I am wearing (there are mirrors everywhere!) to the best placement of my mat (Heaven forbid I am by the vent blowing more hot air) to what I have to accomplish later that day (Grocery shopping, work, housecleaning...)...all of these can derail my breathing.  This in turn can lead to frustration, panic and/or lightheadedness.

I also have to work especially hard to not berate myself for being unable to do a pose fully.  When I mentioned this to one of the instructors (who I jokingly call "Pretzel Boy" for his amazing flexibility), he told me, "Your body took a long time to get to this point.  It will take a while to open it back up.  Be kind to yourself!"

This, it seems, is just one of the general practices and ideas behind Yoga.  Just being kind to yourself can really go a long way.  While I am definitely NOT one of those Yogis who place their mats right up next to the mirror so they can stare at themselves perfecting each pose (too easily distracted by what I am wearing, remember), I feel like I better understand the importance of that kindness--and of physical self-awareness.

Because of the heat and stresses of this exercise program, I have to be diligent about listening to my body (both during and after class).  I am not always great at this, choosing instead to ignore physical ailments as I force myself to make it through the day.  Part of listening to myself also includes figuring out what is a realistic Bikram Yoga schedule for me.  Three to four days on, one day off?  Every other day?  I already know that by day six in the heat (which I actually tried), I really need to take a day off to recuperate.  I must also carefully monitor my water intake every day.

There are some days when I occasionally find myself in an almost manic state either during or after the class.  This usually allows me to accomplish a lot throughout the day, but it also means I tend to do better with earlier classes (yes, even at 5:30am).  While the early hour is indeed a challenge, there is something really extraordinary about stepping outside into the cool air after the class, the steam rising from my body.  I already feel gratified by the exertion, but to see the moon low on the horizon while the sun rises on the mountains...It feels special somehow.  Like a gift for taking time to work on myself.

And I am finding I do look forward to spending that time by myself.  Who knew it'd be while exercising?  I love my daughter, but she can be a lot of pre-pubescent angst and energy.  It's hard to deal with her sometimes.  I am really hoping that by learning to calm myself during class through measured (and/or deep and cleansing) breaths, it will also help me to be a better mother.

After all, as one of the instructors (a very sexy, rock star type) told me,  "You don't have to force or push anything.  By practicing yoga, everything will just fall into place, even in other aspects of your life."

Oh, I hope that is true.

Well, here's to positive thinking and positive being.  Until my next entry, Lovelies....

Forty One-derful Things: A Goal for the New Year

Hey!  Did you hear?  Another year has come to a close.  It is a NEW YEAR!  Woohooooo 2015!!!

There, now that I got that out....

As always, New Year's Day brings with it reflection, introspection and resolutions.  This New Year's Day is, of course, no different.  What is different, however, is that I am finally starting to feel like my  year is starting off with an upward slant.  For the last few years I have fought through depression, malaise, exhaustion, disappointment, a lack of focus and too much inconsistency.  While I know that there is still much to learn and much to do (and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up), I have actually formulated a plan for this year that excites me.  

Last year, my fortieth on this earth, was a pretty good year.  Sure, it started out a bit rocky, but in the last few months I have been feeling that there may finally be forces at work that will absolutely result in positive outcomes.  I don't know in what way they will manifest, but I know that I will have to be the one to see them through.  After all, some of my best experiences were because I opened myself up to them.  I need to make my own opportunities.  

In 2014, I created many (and mini) goals for which I could strive to accomplish.  I wrote 40 blogs leading up to my fortieth birthday.  I organized my pantry.  I didn't lock my child in a tower (even when there were days that I really wanted to).  I also experienced many "firsts".  I dyed my hair pink.  I took a bucket list worthy trip to Ireland!  Yup, 2014 may be pretty tough to top.

So here's what I propose:  In 2015, I will turn 41.  I want to experience new things.  I want to go beyond just eating at new restaurants or reading a good book or seeing a new movie.  While I am not adverse to including these sorts of experiences, these are things that I would probably do anyway.  I want to do more, be more.  Perhaps I will learn a new skill or travel to a new place...the possibilities are endless.  

The time limit is not, however.  My goal this year is to experience 41 new things by the end of the 2015.  That's 365 days for 41 new adventures...I'd better get started!

I can't do this alone, however.  Life is always more fun when we have someone to share it.  With that said, I am open to suggestions--and if anyone wants to join me on this journey, let me know.  ;)

Until my next entry, Lovelies....

Born a Traveling (Wo)Man: Dreams of Ireland

I have long dreamt of traveling to Ireland.  I had visited both Scotland and England previously, and had therefore been close, but had never stepped foot on the Emerald Isle.

Fueled by too many films and Nora Roberts novels, I have been drawn to Ireland by romantic notions of the sweeping green of its landscape, the wild craggy cliffs and crashing ocean waves, the lovely twinkle in the eye of a boisterous chap in a tweed cap, the raucous craic (music) in an Irish pub….and let’s face it, having always been attracted to dark haired men with green eyes and yes, even gingers, I have oft dreamt of finding my own Irish lad.  Seriously, don’t get me started on the accent….

You get the idea. 

And so I decided that this year, in order to celebrate turning 40, would be the year that I would follow my heart and travel to Ireland.  I won’t lie…I received some criticism that I, a single mother often struggling for money, would dare travel without my daughter.  It allegedly wasn’t right to leave her at home while I go gallivanting in another country spending money I don’t have, blah blah blah. 

To hell with what is “right”.  Here’s the reality:  I worked my ass off for this trip:  Longer/more work hours, less spending and copious planning…I searched for many weeks for the cheapest deals on airfare and housing.  I conceded to travel with one of my best friends (rather than traveling alone) in order to help pay for the trip.  I researched credit cards with low APR’s to assist with paying up front for the trip....

Besides, my daughter was spending the week with her grandparents and father in Texas.  Was I supposed to sit at home alone and continue to dream of traveling to Ireland “someday”?

Excuse the language, but f*ck that.  There comes a time in every person’s life where “someday” has to be TODAY.  Too often have I seen “someday” become NEVER.  Sure, I could stay home rather than racking up credit card bills in a foreign country, but damn it, I am 40.  I am divorced, a single mom, employed in multiple jobs seasonally and part-time.  I already put every ounce of my being into just existing.  Sure, there may be some who think I am a wild, free spirit with a carefree nature, but in truth, I only wish I could be that way.  Rather, I too often fall victim to Life, Responsibility and Propriety. When am I supposed to Live? 

So damn it, I was going to Ireland.

Oh shit.  What was I going to wear?

To be continued....

Let the Sunshine In!

So, here it is, the beginning of 2014.  The social media sites have blown up with an influx of posts about New Year’s resolutions, feelings about the previous year or excitement (and/or trepidation) about the upcoming year.  It fills me with hope to think that we can simply restart at the end of the calendar year, sloughing off the taint of the previous year’s failures, heartbreaks and, well, shit.  Whether this is true or not, the end of the year does always bring with it a certain amount of retrospection. 

For me, personally, 2013 was a real doozy.  Although, in truth, this could be said of the last few years, I felt that 2013 brought with it some bizarre plot twists, emotional (and financial) lows, extreme introspection and decidedly hermit behavior.  It’s as if a general malaise had permeated into my daily life, clouding it with a general dissatisfaction. There were so many days when I was exhausted from trying:  trying to make everything better; trying to hold it all together; trying to claw and tear my way from the blackened depths of shame, misery, loneliness and boredom….  Days where I was filled with an even more urgent desire to finally fight through to the surface of the quagmire and to, dear God, just get through this phase of my life.

And so we return to the idea of the New Year in a restorative sense.  With the changing over of the year, we have 365 more days to work toward our goals!  To obtain greatness!  To be awesome!  And all under the constraints of a semi-tangible, chronological deadline!

Whew. 

Let’s be honest, though, aren’t we putting a lot of pressure on the changeover to the New Year?  True, January 1^st seems like the perfect day to start anew (yippee!  I just put up my new Star Wars calendar!), but shouldn’t we live every day like it has the potential to be the beginning of something new?  Perhaps my New Year will start on May 19^th.  Perhaps yours will begin on September 3^rd.  It isn’t limited to any particular day, month or year, is it?  Each day can bring with it love, joy, clarity, prosperity, health…we just have to believe it, right?

And yet so many of us are tied to the idea of New Year’s Day being the start of the rest of our lives.  Perhaps it is convenience? Maybe it is simply doctrine?  Either way, it seems to bring comfort to the masses.  Believing that if our resolutions don’t work out for us this year, but, hey, there’s always next year, gives us a sense of, I don’t know, peace maybe?

Well, not for me, lovelies.  If the crappiness that was 2013 has taught me anything, it is that I am not comfortable with complacency. Certain aspects of my life have already included Great Change, much of which was beyond my control.  From this, I understand that sometimes I do have to let changes happen, even if I don’t like them.  By altering my perception of them, however, I may tolerate the changes better.

I have also learned that making grandiose yearly resolutions does me no good.  Sometimes I need to just make a (Hourly? Daily? Weekly?) list of smaller goals or accomplishments and reach for those instead.  Although I realize that I have a tendency to procrastinate on less desirable tasks, I cannot beat myself up if I don’t accomplish them immediately, especially if the deadline is one I have created. 

Sometimes I just need to take stock of my life, to take time to recharge and to keep moving forward in an effort to not get bogged down or overwhelmed by negativity. I understand that I need to not only take ownership of my mistakes and insufficiencies, but to also take pride in and appreciate my accomplishments—no matter how seemingly insignificant.

Believe me when I say with great conviction that none of this is easy for me and requires constant diligence and effort.  I must work every single day, month, year to make my life what I want it to be.

Which is sort of the point, though, isn’t it? 

Whether you believe in “God’s Plan” (or “Destiny”) or not, we never know with absolute certainty where our lives will lead us.  We are not nor can we be aware of an actual set day for life to begin or change or end.  If we were, I doubt it would coincide with the changing of the calendar year. 

So, go on, make resolutions that last, not just 365 days, but a lifetime.  After all, a year is but a measurement of time, a period in which we will live.  We will succeed and fail, love and hate, change and grow.  There will be triumphs, mistakes, tears, laughter, pleasure, pain, yearning, desire, loneliness, joy, despair, loss, gains, consistency, chaos, good days and bad….  There is no absolute one-year expiration date to our goals, dreams or desires, because Life does not happen in just one year.    No matter what the calendar says. 

I therefore wish you (and me!), not just one year, but many years of Real Living.  May 2014 be the first in that journey.  I wish you health, wealth, love, luck, happiness, sunshine...and cookies.  ;)