The Lifespan of a Friendship

I still haven’t fully processed this information, but I lost another friend last night...and there was nothing I could do about it.  No, she hasn’t died—which would (and yes, I know this is morbid and perhaps politically incorrect) at least imply that it was none of my doing.  No, this loss comes from so many things I’ve done.

Or rather, didn’t do. 

I’ve long been a believer that people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  If we are lucky, they are positive influences and their presence lasts a lifetime.  This particular woman and I have been friends, in fact, for nearly twenty years.  We were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings, I spoke at her sister’s funeral, my daughter calls her "Aunt"...you get the idea.  We’d endured through many years of heartbreak and joy even after I’d moved to a different state almost nine years ago.

In the past few years, she has been integral to my healing after the divorce.  She was one of the first people I turned to for advice, because she could always be counted on to have a laser-sharp, perceptive opinion.  She had an understanding and objectiveness that were refreshing (even if sometimes cold).   She has helped guide me through some rough emotional times.  She was there for me. 

Apparently, I hadn’t reciprocated.  At least, not in the manner she expected, wanted or needed.  I had taken more than I had given.  I wasn’t a good friend. 

And in some ways, she was right. 

As I listened to her list the ways she felt I had allegedly slighted her and abused our friendship, I realized that much of this had come from my inability to make our friendship a priority. I also realized, however, that whether by choice or due to circumstance, sometimes I just couldn’t.  This, of course, was the problem. She felt our friendship only existed when it was convenient for me, which, while perhaps a gross over-simplification, was not wholly untrue

There is no excusing it, but I know that there are times in my life when I withdraw from the world, becoming so involved with (and overwhelmed by) working through my own shit, that I neglect to focus on others’ needs.  Sometimes, I don’t even recognize their needs because I am operating in what I call “survivor mode”.  Unless the other person clearly communicates and defines what is specifically wanted and/or needed from me (we’re talking with picture books and flashcards, people), I do have a tendency to just continue on with my life thinking that everything is hunky dory…until one day it apparently is not.  I admit, friendships do fall by the wayside as I attempt to restore order to my personal chaos.  I cannot give what I do not readily have and therefore won’t.

Maybe this seems selfish (ironic considering that I have been challenged to even establish a sense of self lately) or that I don’t even give a damn about anyone else.  Either way, I would hope that the people in my life would understand this isn’t the case.  Unfortunately, they sometimes don't, leaving my hope unfulfilled and the crux of the situation more clear.  While there are many reasons a relationship can fail, I tend to believe that almost every failure boils down to Expectations, with a capital “E”. 

What we Expect of other people (communicated or otherwise) will directly affect our relationships and interpersonal connections.  We Expect good service at a restaurant; we may be harder on the waitress having a bad day.  We Expect our lovers to be eternally faithful; we may end the relationship when they aren’t.  We Expect a friend to give as much as we feel we ourselves do; we may be disappointed when they don’t reciprocate. 

(Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, here’s the part where I am once again faced with my flaws.)

Sadly, I have learned that I am not always capable of living up to others’ expectations.  Or my own, for that matter.  I want to have healthy, reciprocal connections with people, but don’t always put in the time to maintain them.  Sometimes I disappear into my problems (or myself) and do not give freely to those around me.  Sometimes I don’t want to.  Sometimes I just can’t.  I do attempt to communicate and be clear about my challenges with time and priorities, but sometimes it isn't enough.  I don't always know how to give to others in the manner that they desire or deserve.  Sometimes I cannot fix a problem or situation (or apologize enough), no matter how much I want to or how hard I try.  

Interestingly, as I was workng to gather myself after the breakup (which is what I call the end of any lengthy relationship, friend or otherwise), I read a quote from A Game of Thrones:  “A bruise is a lesson…and each lesson makes us better.”

Man, am I tired of being bruised and battered.  Maybe I should explore the benefit of hermitude.  Oh wait…  Sigh. 

Yup, another lesson learned.