A Little Respect

Disrespect.  This is something about which I have been thinking a lot lately.  Respect is hard to win, easy to lose, difficult to maintain…and sometimes damned near impossible to regain. 

A very prominent challenge of the divorce has been dealing with the lack of respect.  Honestly, it probably wouldn’t bother me as much if it weren’t continuing to permeate our current efforts to co-parent.  The divorce is final, the relationship over, but DEAR GOD why is it still so damned difficult to communicate?  One word:  Disrespect.

I am not really sure when it happened, but somewhere throughout the course of our fifteen year relationship the ex lost respect for me.  It colored his perceptions and made him resentful and sullen.  It allowed him to withdraw his affections and communications and to let his anger to take over.  I could hypothesize that it was due to my miscarriage in May 2010, that perhaps he was going through a mid-life crisis, that maybe it was because I hate to cook and clean or because I have a temper…but I don’t really know.  Hell, it’s possible that he doesn’t either.

I do know, however, the very moment I started to lose respect for him:  the day I found the emails he’d sent to his girlfriend.

For those of you who have ever discovered your significant other is cheating, you know how this feels.  If you’re one of the lucky few who hasn’t, it is the combination of rage, shock, sadness and disappointment all mixed together.  In describing it to some of my friends later, I likened it to Bruce Banner growing and changing into the Incredible Hulk… Heart pounding, skin tingling, profuse sweating, hyper ventilating…I’ve never felt so consumed, so physically overwhelmed by emotion in my life. I hope to never feel that way again. 

But, sadly, bits of those emotions keep coming out over a year later.  While there were perhaps many other factors contributing to the downfall of the marriage, I believe that one of the main ones is the lack of respect he had—and continues to have—for me.  It wasn’t enough that he was documenting his love/lust for a woman in his office (how horribly cliché), but that he seemed to both belittle and disparage me in his emails to her—a trend that continued during our subsequent conversations as we worked to finally end the marriage.

So why haven’t I mentioned this specific lack of respect before?  There were many times when I have wanted to simply post the emails and texts he’s sent me (and believe me, some of them were downright shitty).  Oh, how I would love for everyone to see through his façade of the “nice guy”, to understand that he’s not just the poor, put-upon guy with the shrew of an ex-wife. To declare, "Yes, world, he does have teeth.  He knows how to bite!"

Sigh.

It was written into the divorce papers, “The parties agree to refrain from using or making disparaging remarks about the other to or in front of (their daughter). Neither parent shall do anything that shall estrange or separate (their daughter) from each other or damage the natural development of her love and respect for the other.”

At first I found it laughable to include this clause, thinking it to be common sense.  Perhaps it is standard phrasing, yet I imagine it was included because of the ex’s concern that I would be "the disparager".  I sincerely doubt that he ever thought that he would be the one yelling at me or calling me obscenities in front of our daughter (which, yes, unfortunately, happened recently), just as I doubt that he thinks about the consequences of his actions as much as I think about mine.

I have long maintained that any poor treatment of me will, in fact, affect our daughter.  We have repeatedly argued about whether or not she recognizes what is happening.  She is only six years old, but of course she does!  She knows that when Mommy cries after a conversation with Daddy it is because Mommy is hurt or sad.  She realizes that Mommy gets mad when Daddy hangs up the phone mid-conversation because Mommy thinks that is childish and rude.  Most importantly, she understands that when Daddy loses his temper and calls Mommy a “f*cking b*tch” in front of her that that is NEVER acceptable.  She is learning very quickly the power of words, the result of actions and what it means to have and show respect.  Oh yes, she is fully aware. 

Which is partially why I haven’t brought this (or the affair) up until now.  As it becomes clearer that my daughter will learn these lessons even without me teaching them directly to her, I no longer feel I need to hide that aspect of the divorce here.  His lack of respect is apparent as he continues to downplay his affair, even going so far as to once say that she—and I—meant nothing to him. It is also apparent in the way he seems to allow his perceptions and his incapacity for forgiveness to taint his communications and actions.  He may never be able to articulate his issues, to take responsibility for or to get over his anger and guilt, even while actively pursuing another relationship.  I may never get the apology I always hope is forthcoming.  

And yet I don’t feel the need to publicly decimate, defame or otherwise crucify the ex (although admittedly, yes, I would like to).  While I find it difficult to forgive his lack of respect, I instead choose to write this blog to rid myself of some of the heartache, so I can move forward and heal.  There are undoubtedly certain negative details which I have revealed, yet I have always tried to be honest with my emotions and fair, to choose my words carefully and to preserve my daughter’s view of the ex.  

After all, I still need to respect myself, regardless of whether or not he does.