A Life in Progress

People keep asking me, “How’s the divorce going?”  I find this to be a strange question.  Going through a divorce is not like building a house or completing a chore or working on a project…Or is it?

In the 7 months since the finalization of the divorce, I find that I am doing all three of these.  While I am not actually building a house, I am creating a habitat, a foundation, a haven.  I am working to establish an environment of safety and comfort--and blissfully devoid of the ex.

Unfortunately, the unpacking is not happening quickly enough, therefore leaving my living room a mess of boxes, possessions and files.  I don’t know if it is the lack of time, general malaise or the fact that I am faced with my inability to do certain “handy” things.  The process has been both overwhelming and daunting.  Every day since the divorce, I am so glad to be out of the house we once shared and yet each box represents more to do still.  Unpacking has become a chore—as it seems so many things have.

The greatest of chores, however, is, as always, just communicating with the ex.  What could (and should) be a simple task is so much more unsavory than it needs to be. Not unlike cleaning the toilet, actually. There is a lot of shit I wish could be automatically washed away (or drowned out), yet scrubbing must be done.

I find I am still so frazzled and worn by even the simplest communications, that I continue to dread seeing when I have an email or a text from him (often because they turn into long drawn out missives seemingly meant to torment my soul).  My friend says the ex is just trying to capture some of the control he felt he lost during our relationship.  I surmise that through his expression of what seems to be his anger, I am just more keenly aware of the flaws in the former marriage, the current situation and the written communications.  Whatever the reason, glorious are the days when I don’t have to see, speak to or otherwise receive communication from the ex.  What a funny thing to realize when there was once a time that these things brought me joy.  Now it seems it continues to be just threats, pissing matches and blah blah blah.  Sigh.

 And then there is the work I must do on the most important project of all:  Project Me.  As I sift through emotional fallout from the divorce, I am constantly working to reevaluate my beliefs, my wants, my needs…myself.  I am striving to open myself up to greater possibilities, both in love and in life.  I am trying to laugh more, worry less and to not get bogged down by pettiness, stress and extraneous BS.  I revel in being a single woman and, more importantly, a single mother. I am dating more  (although sleeping less) as I work to slough off the stink of a marriage gone bad.  I am a butterfly who has broken free from the cocoon and is spreading her wings.  I am physically exhausted.  Lol.

So, in short, when anyone asks how my life is going, I think it necessary to borrow a line from the film Grosse Pointe Blank in response:  “In progress.”