The Joint Custody Conundrum

When the ex-husband and I first began divorce proceedings, my friends, family, even my lawyer kept assuring me that everything would eventually calm down.  While the upset wouldn’t necessarily disappear, supposedly everything would settle down enough to allow for more cohesive co-parenting. 

What a crock of shit. 

Not unlike the myth of an “amicable” divorce, the idea of “joint” parenting has proved to be disappointing.  Stupid girl to think anything would be different now that the ties are cut.  If anything, it is more of the same…only now it is more blatantly obvious that my daughter will be used against me as a pawn in his quest for control.  

And yet, I keep hoping beyond hope that I will be able to get to a place where every admonishment, every whiney text or email, every conversation doesn’t cause me to react so emotionally.  Even though I am making every effort to “just ignore him” (as most people advise), his bullshit just continues.  He pokes and pokes and pokes, never realizing the damage he causes, never understanding that he is perpetuating discordance, never quite grasping that enough is enough.

It has gotten to the point that I no longer expect him to be decent or respectful.  I just steel myself for the fact that every other week (whenever my daughter is in my custody), I will have to endure a shit storm.  I am wary of every communication, knowing that each one will be met with an argument or claim of how I am supposedly a shitty or irresponsible parent.  Even just opening my email inbox or checking my texts fills me with complete and utter dread. 

How exhausting. 

I am so tired of being “that girl” (you know, the one who constantly whines about her relationship problems).  I am tired of feeling like I am making efforts toward being a better parent and communicator and being met with opposition because they will never be enough.  I am tired of feeling on edge all the time—or that I will never be able to fully enjoy my time with my daughter without his interruption.  I. Am. So. Tired.

So how do I get through this?  I know I am not alone.  In addition to the multitude of books and online articles written about co-parenting with a difficult ex, many people have shared their own stories with me.  While I do take comfort in this, how do I get past the perpetual “my cock is bigger than your cock” battle?  How do I stop feeling abused and attacked by the ex?  How do I continue to strive to be the better person as he spews his vehemence all over me?  How do I just keep doing the best I can within the confines of “joint” custody?

The phone and email lines are standing by.