Things Unsaid

It has been four months since the finalization of the divorce and over a year since the end of the marriage. Although I am methodically working through the emotional aftermath (and, in general, living the life of a divorcee with aplomb), I still feel completely fettered by frustration where the ex is concerned.  There are so many things that I want to say to him that seem as if they would bring me closure if they could be discussed.  Knowing full well they never will be, however, they instead become ugly, cannibalistic thoughts that eat away at my very wellbeing.  Occasionally they claw their way to the surface and I am struck by random fits of emotion with which I don’t know how to deal.  I just don’t want to be that person, always whining, always complaining, always angry….but this sh*t just won’t go away.

So I decided to write some of these thoughts down in a letter format (although I could no doubt fill volumes).  I’m telling you now, it won’t be pretty.  At this point, I don’t even care.  I just want to stop living in the Land of “GAH!”. 

May I present to you:  “Things I Have Always Wanted to Say to the Ex”.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 MKC

*****

Dear Ex-Husband:

I have been sifting through the ashes of our once happy marriage, trying to work through the emotional wreckage so I can once and for all just be done with you.  While I realize that having joint custody of our daughter has created a life-long sentence of dealing with you, I am still working to create harmony, happiness and, most importantly, the life I deserve.

Unfortunately, I find that you are often one of my greatest obstacles in these pursuits.  I am not sure if I have placed you in that position or if you are just too stubborn to bow gracefully out of my life, but I am exhausted by having to continue to deal with the drama of someone to whom I am no longer married.  I know that anything I say to you directly is futile (since I doubt you will ever get to a point that you will understand and/or accept anything I have to say as worthwhile), so I am writing this letter to, if nothing else, force these thoughts to vacate my mind once and for all.

People are always saying how much they still love their exes, even after the divorce.  I want to make it abundantly clear:  I don’t.  You have given me no reason to of late, that's for sure.  While I don’t hate you, I really don’t even like the person you’ve become. If anything, I am disappointed in (and by) you.  I once thought you were such a good man, so hardworking, kind, faithful, respectful….now I am hard-pressed to even think you are decent.  Or human.  Your anger and dissidence have made you seem arrogant, petty, controlling and, quite frankly, like a difficult and whiny little bitch.  It is tedious and exhausting—and completely at odds with the efforts I am making to establish a better form of communication between us.

And while I am on the topic of communication….Please stop assuming that every single thing I say or write is a loaded statement, fraught with emotion or underlying agendas.  YOUR PERCEPTIONS ARE YOUR OWN.  The relationship we currently have is simply a business one.  We have signed a Marriage Settlement Agreement and created a contract to maintain joint custody of our child.  I have been treating our communications as such.  Unfortunately, I do not see evidence that you are doing the same.  While you may use “big” words and formal language in your writings, I sincerely doubt you would ever openly disparage or react so vehemently to a co-worker via text/email.  Or maybe you would, since you clearly refuse to communicate either face to face or on the telephone. 

And for the record, I do not want to talk to, text or email you, but I do so in the spirit of “joint” custody.  Please be aware, I am constantly working to be straight to the point and devoid of any emotional insinuation.  While I admit to an occasional slip on my part (I am human—and an emotional one at that), I have made, and continue to make, a concerted and conscious effort to eliminate anything other than “just the facts”.  What annoys me, however, is that I feel I must constantly be on the defensive with your every text or email.  I am not sure why you seem so incapable of recognizing its meaning, but when I say/text/email, “OK thanks”, I am making an effort to disengage and discontinue a negative conversation that has entered into a place of abuse.   I am exhausted from feeling like you would rather take out your issues on me in a great pissing match than actually work toward harmonious co-parenting.  It has gotten to the point that I wish you would just go away.   Just move on with your life, leave me my daughter and mail me the checks.

That is not to say, of course, that I would choose for my daughter to want for a positive male role model.  Unfortunately, I am finding it difficult to think of you as such.  True, you do seem to love her unconditionally, but you cannot seem to grasp the concept that treating her mother poorly is not conducive to raising a happy and healthy woman.  We have discussed this before and still you proceed to be despondent and disrespectful in your communications and your actions.  You have never apologized for calling me a “fucking bitch” in front of your daughter.  You do not discuss issues in an open or honest manner (or even when you say you will).  You maintain that you will do what you want, even if it cuts into my time with her or infringes on activities I have planned for her. 

It is this last one that makes it especially difficult to trust you, both as her father and as a “business partner”.  I have no doubt that you have issues trusting me, since you have shown me this in so many passive aggressive ways (including continuing to quote the MSA at me and calling our daughter multiple times to "check up").  How laughable since I am who I have always been:  I communicate how I feel—even if that means calling others on their "shit".  I am a hard worker, a leader and a dedicated mother.  I am creative and a problem solver who makes every effort to be accommodating.  I do what I say I am going to do and can set my own deadlines.  I do not knowingly set out to hurt people and react poorly to being hurt, attacked or bullied.  I do have a temper, but not usually without reason.  I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. 

It is you with whom I am no longer familiar.  Were you always like this?  Or was it a mid-life crisis?  Did I just ignore your faults?  Was everything I felt about our relationship false?  How did I not see your resentment?  Or your inability to take responsibility for your own issues?  Why did I not recognize that you bear the markings of a passive-aggressive mama's boy?  How did I believe that you would never pursue a relationship with another woman?  Or that you wouldn’t lie about it?   How could I have been so fucking blind?

Blind or not, I do not accept your blame for the demise of this relationship.  It takes two people to maintain a happy marriage, just as it takes two people to end it.  Although it is I who first brought up the word “divorce” (were you really so surprised?!), I didn’t have a lot left to work with and saw no other solution.  You claim you felt emasculated in the marriage?  Sorry, but to this I say, “Bullshit.”  Every opportunity to be a man, to be a leader, to be an individual was yours.  That you did not often take those opportunities is none of my doing—nor is it anything for which to blame me now.  Quit acting like a petulant, self-righteous prick and treating me like I am your enemy or someone whose ideas contain less value because they are not yours.  None of this is doing anything to assist you in the pursuit of cohesive co-parenting.  You claim you wish to be a “non-traditional” male parent, involved in all aspects of your daughter’s life (even the “girly” stuff.  Ha.  Have fun with the tampon conversation.), but how about being a non-traditional ex-husband too?  Is it really necessary for you to attempt to bully me?  There is nothing to “control”, but your own emotions, actions and reactions.  There is no need to engage in a passive aggressive tug-of-war.  All you’ll probably find is the rope is tied around your own neck. 

No, ex-husband, we will never be a couple again, but I hope some day you will remember that we are a TEAM when it comes to raising our daughter.  Yes, sometimes I wish I could erase you from my life and memory, yet removing the pictures, cards and other physical reminders isn’t enough. I am frustrated, saddened and angered that my faith in both marriage and love has been shaken to the core, but at the center of it all, however, is one amazing, intelligent and vivacious little girl that we created.  If you couldn’t be a complete, decent person during our marriage, you had better figure out how to be one now that we’re divorced. She deserves at least that.  Hell, so do I.  

Sincerely,

Ex-Wife #2 and Mother of Our Child