The Ghosts of Exes Past

I’ve been having dreams about my ex-boyfriends.  I don’t know if it’s because it is winter (the season which, from November to February, seems to foster a focus on togetherness) or because my brain has chosen to do some cruel, High Fidelity-style meandering through the failures of my romantic life or even because of some wistful desire to return to the simplicity of my youth, but dear God, why can’t I just have raunchy dreams about Johnny Depp?  Or Ewan McGregor?  Or, even my new celeb crush  Jason Segel (don’t laugh, the dude hangs out with the Muppets.  That rocks!)?  Oh, no, instead I get to have visitations from the Ghosts of Exes Past. 

I read once that a visit from an ex in a dream is supposed to represent unfinished business.  Even if I weren’t the one who ended the relationship, however, I don’t know what my unfinished business would be?  I closed the book on those relationships years ago.  Some of them, I even buried the book in a deep dark hole in the basement, destroyed the house and wiped my memory clean of the address so I could never revisit the scene of the wreckage again.  Unfinished business?  Hmmmmmm. 

I will admit that I have many acquaintances who remain friends with their exes after their breakups, yet this is not something I have ever been able to do.  Yes, I have communicated with the rare few since the relationship, but certainly not on any regular basis.  The reality is, my ex-husband is the only ex with whom I have any regular contact—and that only because of joint custody of our daughter (and only when it cannot otherwise be avoided).  Frankly, this “necessary” communication with him is not something that sits well with me.  I liken it to dealing with a difficult coworker in a job I cannot quit.  Or a root canal without anesthesia…. 

But that’s another story. 

Of course, this isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally have bouts of the “what-ifs” regarding any of my exes (yes, Cherry Popper, I am talking about you). Admittedly, there may be personal qualities or aspects of the relationships I miss.  Of course…I am human.  But, exes are exes for a reason.  Some people come into our lives for only a short time or a specific purpose and then are gone.  They leave their impressions on us so we can learn and grow—and hopefully become better people.  We take what we can from each encounter and build from there. Regardless of any pain that may have come from the breakups, I know I wouldn’t be who I am without my exes. And while there may be things I wish were different or that had been done differently, I am trying to let go of regrets.  I thank each of you for your past presence in my life…and just hope I didn’t create too much wreckage in yours. 

But kindly get the hell out of my dreams.  A girl needs her sleep, even if only to escape the re-hashing of past relationships she does while she’s awake.  Sheesh.  

Time After Time

I just saw the film About Time.  In it, the lead character discovers that the men in his family have the ability to go back in time.  This gives him ample opportunity to fix a mistake, to re-live a brilliant day, to change a life path.  While watching this movie, I, of course, was struck with the question, “What would I do were I to have such a power?” 

It’s interesting to think of, isn’t it?  Just what would I change?  Would I have dated different people?  Fewer?  More?  Would I have married someone else?  Maybe not married at all?  Would I have not had a child?  Would I have chosen a different career path?  Not moved to my current location?  Traveled more?  Eaten less?  Would I have been more appreciative? Tolerated less?  Chosen different activities?  Bucked convention more?  Not gotten divorced?

There are no easy answers.  I work very hard to live without regret, yet rarely a day goes by that I don’t find myself feeling trapped by my current situation.  I do not like experiencing feelings of sadness or loneliness.  I abhore being stressed about money.  I am tired of feeling devoid of a plentiful support system.  I yearn for a fulfilling love life.  Granted these are all feelings common to almost every person at some point in their lives, I am over all of it.  

A friend of mine once told me, “Well, at least you were happy once.”  At the time she meant it as a way to placate my broken heart, but, in thinking back, I am angered by the very notion of it.  Once is all we get?  Then for what am I doing all of this soul searching?  Why am I working so hard to swim out of the quagmire that my life has become?  Shall I just put my dreams up on the shelf and ignore them?  Once, indeed. 

The truth is, I doubt I would go back in time if I could.  I believe it is our past that helps to create our present.  Whether I am aware of the reason or not, I believe that every event, every decision, every person in our lives has purpose…even if that purpose is only to make us who we are currently or to help us fulfill what we could be.  For sure, I can no more go back in time than an elephant should fit through a keyhole. 

If that does happen, however, do let me know.  That sounds fascinating.   In the meantime, though, I will continue to work at letting go, at accepting there are some things I cannot change and at learning to live and be better.  I just hope I get a sense of progress soon lest I find myself wishing for the past again. 

Onward and upward, Lovelies.  Again.  

Dating and the Divorcee, Part 2: Plenty of Fish in the Sea...and Some of Them Smell!

Online dating sucks.  Oh, I know there are plenty of people for whom it works (like my friend’s daughter who just married someone she met online or my other friend who is now planning her wedding to her online match) but in my experience I doubt that this will be the way for me to meet quality people to date—and certainly not to marry, should I choose to go down that route again.

At this writing, I have had profiles on two separate sites.  During participation on each of these sites, I have been verbally abused, inappropriately propositioned, proposed to, and asked for cash—even before meeting these people face to face!  Although neither site specialized in any of these, shall we say, preferences. I have also “met” online foot fetishists, S & M “Masters”, sex addicts, drug addicts, married men and bisexuals (men and women).  After being stood up by a few online matches that I did deem as “potentials”, I cannot help but feel that there is no hope in this medium. 

I originally tried online dating because I often have a hectic work and life schedule.  I am not always able to go out socially and meet people in person, nor am I really a bar-hopper.  I used to meet potential dates while at work, but with only one (married) male co-worker and a work location that changes weekly, clearly the workplace is a bust too.  So unless my circle of friends and acquaintances miraculously and suddenly expands to include an inordinate amount of attractive, single, available, heterosexual males who aren’t intimidated by an outspoken, sassy, bawdy, feisty woman with a child, a good heart, messy house and strong opinions, I am kind of stuck either A) trying online dating again, B) getting new friends who are able to set me up on blind dates or C) drastically changing my life, hobbies, work or location.

But just what is it about online dating that I find so difficult?  In my various discussions with my friends about online dating, I’ve been trying to figure this out.  I realize now that perhaps it is because online dating is similar to the book-to-movie phenomenon.  Let me explain:  When one dates online, a profile (or a “character”) is created.  S/He can become exactly what s/he wants. Anyone reading the profile (or subsequent written communication) can create an idea of what the other person may or may not be.  One can present his or her best self (or hide behind his or her words).  Imagination plays a very heavy part in fleshing out the “characters” and a story plot is developed.  This often happens before even physically meeting or talking to the other person.  Just from what is written, so much is construed. 

This is not unlike what happens for me when I read a book.  I create ideas of what the characters look like, how they act, what makes them tick…but then the movie version comes out.  Often I am disappointed by the physical manifestation of the revered characters.  Storylines get twisted.  Ultimately, the movie version may in fact tarnish the original affection I felt for the original novel.  I may find the characters shallow, their storylines lacking, their motivations hurried.  While there are often relatively “faithful” adaptations, if I love a book, the movie (and therefore someone else’s creative vision) may be disappointing. 

And yes, I do realize that this may be the case for other people viewing my profile.  Although I strive to present myself in a manner that is true to life, I certainly cannot control what the other person thinks, feels or assumes about me.  Maybe I am old-fashioned, but I really feel I present so much better in person.  It’s just getting these people to show up so they can see that too.  I mean, how does one describe her inner sparkle on the computer or text screen?  Ha ha. 

I will say one positive thing about online dating though:  I did get some pretty good friends and witty and amusing pen pals out of it.  Oh yeah, and an awesome collection of penis pictures.  Bonus. 

Sigh.  Oh well.  Back to grind.  Or not, as the case may be.  Wah ha.  

Dating and the Divorcee, Part 1: The Search for Han Solo

Having returned to the dating scene, I decided to do a series of blogs entitled, "Dating and the Divorcee".  For this Valentine's Day, I bring you Part 1:  "The Search for Han Solo." 

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While recently sorting through a random box, I came across a list of desired qualities in a potential mate. Written either just prior to or right around the time I started seeing my now ex-husband, the list proved quite the interesting read.  It contained some biggies that still hold true (no addictions or abusive behavior, must be respectful and kind) and oddly some that were missing (must be communicative with no passive aggressive or mean tendencies).  While certainly not looking to remarry any time soon, this discovery begs the question of what I really do find attractive in a potential significant other.  After several recent (and brief) post-marriage forays into the dating scene, I wonder that I haven’t already found my ideal man.  His name:  Han Solo.

Oh, yeah, you read that right.

Handsome, witty and intelligent, Han Solo is a bit of a rogue in the Star Wars series.  He is not intimidated by strong women (and in fact can dish out what he gets) and is most often kind to other species (having rescued his best friend, Chewbacca, from slavery).  He deals with antagonism with humor, enthusiasm and aplomb.  He is courageous and good-hearted—even if it takes a while to break through to the gooey center.  He seemingly possesses a sense of right and wrong and will act accordingly, yet he blusters about being a survivalist. 

Of course, for all of his good qualities, he is not without his flaws.  He wanders through his life in the seedy underbelly of the universe in search of adventure—and a paycheck—often associating with the wrong people.  He has a habit of making only a few friends and many enemies, which ultimately leads to trouble.  Because he is flippant, he occasionally has difficulty verbally communicating his love for his girlfriend and may very well be frozen emotionally.  He also exhibits signs of jealousy.

Like most women (and maybe some men), though, I find that I am attracted to his devil-may-care attitude and the twinkle in his eye.  I like that there is a sense of rakishness and spontaneity about him, yet, somehow, it seems as if he has planned for everything to happen as it eventually does.  He has had a lifetime of experience and various accomplishments, some of which he is only too happy to share.  While modest about his leadership qualities, he apparently enjoys acting as the “knight in shining armor” who saves the day. Han Solo is not just a bad boy with a heart of gold.  He is challenging without creating drama.  In the end, he realizes what is important and sticks with it.

Plus he looks mighty damned fine in a vest and tight pants. 

I realize in delving into this idea further, I have always been attracted to the Han Solo archetype (Captain Malcolm Reynolds on Firefly, Adam Ant, heck, even my first boyfriend to some extent).  Having grown up with the original Star Wars movies, my first example of a romantic relationship came from Han Solo and Princess Leia.  They were firey, loving, sassy, sometimes exasperating and even flawed.  She didn’t need him to rescue her, but his contributions to her cause were invaluable.  He realizes the value of love when he is rendered vulnerable and has to rely on her (and his friends) for help.  Fictional or no, this relationship (and this type of man) is what is appealing to me.  Does this exist in real life?  If so, may the Force be with me as I search for it!

Who Needs a Day, When There Is a Month?

From illegally performed marriage ceremonies to mob-related massacres, Valentine’s Day has a strange and colorful history.  It is often a day that is fraught with both angst and hope.  Even with all of the commercial build-up to February 14^th, all I can say is, thank goodness it is only one day out of the year.

Some people refer to Valentine’s Day as “Singleness Awareness Day”.  They view it as a made-up holiday that focuses entirely too much on love.  Love may certainly be all around us (i.e. friends, family, self, etc.), and yet the day gets a bad rap for stressing the importance of couple hood and being in love.

My own memories of Valentine’s Day revolve around clutching a handmade Valentine of construction paper and doilies as I walk nervously through the classroom to deposit it secretly on the desk of my crush, my heart thudding a tattoo of his name.  Not one to settle down too young, there was a different one each year:  I love you, Brian.  David.  Billy…and yet, looking back, they probably didn’t love me.  God knows I never got a Valentine from any of them. 

Ironically, my daughter has yet to experience the anxiety of the Valentine exchange.  Because she is currently enrolled in a year-round track school, she has always been on vacation for Valentine’s Day.  Although she has claimed one of the boys in her class as her future husband, she has yet to make this a public declaration in such an, um, creative way.  I am hoping that this will not cause her to later profess this love in an ill-written poem in her high school English class (á la Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed), lest her memories of the “holiday” become tainted.

Yet, as always, it is our perceptions that make something what it is.  For some, Singleness Awareness stretches throughout the entire month or even year, merely reaching its pinnacle on Valentine’s Day. I once saw a Valentine’s Day ad in a newspaper that said, “Here’s hoping your VD is a non-irritating one.”  I have also attended anti-Valentine’s parties (some of which involved burning valentines, pictures and effigies)—hell, I even had my heart broken at one when the object of my affection was seen kissing another woman.  Somehow, through it all I still have this notion that it is only the emphasis that we place on the day that makes it awful.  I have had my heart obliterated, trampled and decimated and yet, I still believe in love.  I just don’t think there is only one day to share the love…or to feel its absence. 

In truth, February in general has historically been an emotionally charged month for me for many reasons.  After only just surviving the holidays, here comes a month filled with various dates of alleged personal importance.  A few key dates to note:

February 5:  A few years ago, this was the date of my wedding anniversary.  Although, it hasn’t been celebrated in quite some time, it is still with wistful fondness (and decided disappointment) that I recall the date.  I am happy to report, however, that this year it instead marks the anniversary of getting my first tattoo.

February 13:  It was on this day (ahem) 39 years ago that the angels joyfully chorused.  The sun shone brighter.  People were kinder.  Oh yeah, and I was born.

While I don’t fully dread getting older, this day is bittersweet due to its proximity to Valentine’s Day.  With my birthday there is the same melancholy that occasionally clouds the joy of Christmas:  The idea that I may not have any presents to open unless I purchase them myself.  I do not feel that I want for much, so, no, this is not a plea for people to buy me presents!  It is simply an observation that tokens of affection and/or a tangible celebration of my birth may hinge more on my own doing than on the kindness of others.  I think we all have a desire to know that we matter to others, that the day of our birth is important…don’t we?

(On a side note, I also share my birthday with Peter Tork of the Monkees and Peter Gabriel.  Don’t even ask me why I find that interesting.)

The remainder of February includes the birthdays of some of my favorite people.  Those of past friends, my first love, a few of my relatives (even a couple of presidents!)…Whether they benefit from the melee of Valentine’s Day, or are slighted because of their birthdays’ proximity, is unclear.  I only know that once V-Day is over, however, that the month seems much less stressful. 

Well, until next year.