Time After Time

I just saw the film About Time.  In it, the lead character discovers that the men in his family have the ability to go back in time.  This gives him ample opportunity to fix a mistake, to re-live a brilliant day, to change a life path.  While watching this movie, I, of course, was struck with the question, “What would I do were I to have such a power?” 

It’s interesting to think of, isn’t it?  Just what would I change?  Would I have dated different people?  Fewer?  More?  Would I have married someone else?  Maybe not married at all?  Would I have not had a child?  Would I have chosen a different career path?  Not moved to my current location?  Traveled more?  Eaten less?  Would I have been more appreciative? Tolerated less?  Chosen different activities?  Bucked convention more?  Not gotten divorced?

There are no easy answers.  I work very hard to live without regret, yet rarely a day goes by that I don’t find myself feeling trapped by my current situation.  I do not like experiencing feelings of sadness or loneliness.  I abhore being stressed about money.  I am tired of feeling devoid of a plentiful support system.  I yearn for a fulfilling love life.  Granted these are all feelings common to almost every person at some point in their lives, I am over all of it.  

A friend of mine once told me, “Well, at least you were happy once.”  At the time she meant it as a way to placate my broken heart, but, in thinking back, I am angered by the very notion of it.  Once is all we get?  Then for what am I doing all of this soul searching?  Why am I working so hard to swim out of the quagmire that my life has become?  Shall I just put my dreams up on the shelf and ignore them?  Once, indeed. 

The truth is, I doubt I would go back in time if I could.  I believe it is our past that helps to create our present.  Whether I am aware of the reason or not, I believe that every event, every decision, every person in our lives has purpose…even if that purpose is only to make us who we are currently or to help us fulfill what we could be.  For sure, I can no more go back in time than an elephant should fit through a keyhole. 

If that does happen, however, do let me know.  That sounds fascinating.   In the meantime, though, I will continue to work at letting go, at accepting there are some things I cannot change and at learning to live and be better.  I just hope I get a sense of progress soon lest I find myself wishing for the past again. 

Onward and upward, Lovelies.  Again.