Remember, Remember the Suck of November

In the past few years, November has become a rough month for me emotionally.  No, this is not in reaction to the wackadoo election or a mysterious neck injury I had earlier this month.  Not at all.  

Once filled with happy memories of readying myself for the holidays, eating too much at Thanksgiving and the final change of the seasons from Fall to Winter, November is now more often fraught with feelings of loss, frustration and overall crankiness.  I quite often have this sense that the more things supposedly change, the more they really just stay the same.  That somehow I am just…stuck.

I know, of course, this isn’t true.  I have been making valiant efforts to instigate changes in my life:  returning to school, spending time with new friends, purchasing a new car (despite being low on funds, but out of necessity).  There is one thing, however, that remains constant.  Ever present, it is the one thing of which I cannot rid myself and seemingly cannot change, no matter how hard I try.  That one thing, unfortunately, is Dealing with the Ex. 

So why does it seem so much harder in November?  Honestly?  Well, November is the anniversary of the divorce.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  It’s been 5 years since the divorce was finalized.  Get over it already. 

Ha.  Like I haven’t tried.

In April of 2012 I wrote about the Joint Custody Conundrum.  I hadn’t even been divorced for 6 months, but I'd perfectly outlined my frustration about having to form a haphazard partnership with someone who clearly had no respect for me or my role as the mother of his child.  Flash forward to Present Day.  I am still dealing with the exact same shit. I guess there is no time limit on working through douchebaggery, though I wish there were.

Yup, I am still struggling. Not only to be financially stable as a single parent, but to survive even the simplest communications with the Ex.  To not be emotionally affected when he picks fights or bullies me (and he does, contrary to what he may claim).  To just finally once and for all realize that my hope for an efficient, pleasant joint custody of our daughter really isn’t possible and to move on from there.   Not that I necessarily had dreams of us all sitting around the table at family Thanksgivings, but it’d be nice to be able to occupy the same space –and not feel so goddamned uncomfortable because he has just blown up my phone with passive aggressive, narcissistic bullshit, while pretending to be nice in person.  I. Am. Still. Just. So. Tired. Of. It.  Weary, even. 

So, yeah.  November is a tough month.  It’s the anniversary of the Divorce and a reminder of how little has changed with the Ex since then, despite my endeavor to make myself (and my reactions to him) better.

But, hey, now it’s December 1st.  Almost Christmas.  And New Year’s.  Time to combat his every effort to spoil our daughter.  And to make resolutions to raise the best little human I can, in spite of him.  And to be the best human I can, in spite of me.

 Bring it on.