Remember, Remember the Suck of November

In the past few years, November has become a rough month for me emotionally.  No, this is not in reaction to the wackadoo election or a mysterious neck injury I had earlier this month.  Not at all.  

Once filled with happy memories of readying myself for the holidays, eating too much at Thanksgiving and the final change of the seasons from Fall to Winter, November is now more often fraught with feelings of loss, frustration and overall crankiness.  I quite often have this sense that the more things supposedly change, the more they really just stay the same.  That somehow I am just…stuck.

I know, of course, this isn’t true.  I have been making valiant efforts to instigate changes in my life:  returning to school, spending time with new friends, purchasing a new car (despite being low on funds, but out of necessity).  There is one thing, however, that remains constant.  Ever present, it is the one thing of which I cannot rid myself and seemingly cannot change, no matter how hard I try.  That one thing, unfortunately, is Dealing with the Ex. 

So why does it seem so much harder in November?  Honestly?  Well, November is the anniversary of the divorce.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  It’s been 5 years since the divorce was finalized.  Get over it already. 

Ha.  Like I haven’t tried.

In April of 2012 I wrote about the Joint Custody Conundrum.  I hadn’t even been divorced for 6 months, but I'd perfectly outlined my frustration about having to form a haphazard partnership with someone who clearly had no respect for me or my role as the mother of his child.  Flash forward to Present Day.  I am still dealing with the exact same shit. I guess there is no time limit on working through douchebaggery, though I wish there were.

Yup, I am still struggling. Not only to be financially stable as a single parent, but to survive even the simplest communications with the Ex.  To not be emotionally affected when he picks fights or bullies me (and he does, contrary to what he may claim).  To just finally once and for all realize that my hope for an efficient, pleasant joint custody of our daughter really isn’t possible and to move on from there.   Not that I necessarily had dreams of us all sitting around the table at family Thanksgivings, but it’d be nice to be able to occupy the same space –and not feel so goddamned uncomfortable because he has just blown up my phone with passive aggressive, narcissistic bullshit, while pretending to be nice in person.  I. Am. Still. Just. So. Tired. Of. It.  Weary, even. 

So, yeah.  November is a tough month.  It’s the anniversary of the Divorce and a reminder of how little has changed with the Ex since then, despite my endeavor to make myself (and my reactions to him) better.

But, hey, now it’s December 1st.  Almost Christmas.  And New Year’s.  Time to combat his every effort to spoil our daughter.  And to make resolutions to raise the best little human I can, in spite of him.  And to be the best human I can, in spite of me.

 Bring it on. 

To Misogyny and Beyond

I recently attended a local bar crawl.  Not really a frequent bar-goer, I have attended very few crawls.  Although I like dressing up in costumes, I generally find the huge crowds and extreme drunkenness too over-bearing for me to ever fully enjoy myself.  Unfortunately, this latest crawl was no different, with the exception that I came away from it with another reason to dislike them:  all the rampant misogyny!

Lest you write me off a man-hating, bra-burning, militant feminist, trust me, that is so not the case.    Oh no, I love men (much to my detriment sometimes).  I even love wearing bras, torturous though they can sometimes be.  While I am absolutely pro-woman (duh, I am one), I am certainly not militant about it.  I do not, however, understand when it became acceptable for anyone to think that just because a woman is wearing a costume she is inviting sexual advances?  Yes, it is true that many women wear next to nothing (a practice I have yet to understand due more to the potentially inclement weather than judgment) or very revealing garments.  Does this mean that they should be subjected to groping or lewd comments?  Hell, I wasn’t even wearing anything revealing (because I know how to dress for the weather) and a group of men surrounded me like jackals as I tried to get a drink at what is usually a pretty laid back bar.  Without even saying hi first, one of them asked if he could come home with me.  I responded, “You gonna clean my house?”  Alas, no "date" for me. 

When I later recounted this story to one of my coworkers (a very feisty, older woman), she said, “Well, what did you expect, honey?  Look at our Presidential Candidate.  Where do you think they’re learning it?”

Fast forward to what is now the day after the 2016 election.  Donald Trump, a man known for his belittling, homophobic, anti-feminist (etc., etc., etc.) remarks has just been elected the new president.

Not surprisingly, I have never been a Donald Trump supporter (as either a candidate or even a human), finding him to be arrogant, ego-maniacal and temperamental.  I do get that we’re all entitled to our opinions (or vote in this case).  But I’m not going to lie.  I am f*cking terrified that we have just set the progress of our country back so many years we can’t even count.  Never have I been so upset about the future of this country.  Never have I been at a loss as to what to tell my child that will help assuage her fears, because I don't know what to tell myself.  It may sound histrionic, but no, I can’t say to her with all certainty that Trump won’t start the first annual Hunger Games.  Or that we’re not headed down a post-apocalyptic path.  Or even that everything will be all right.  What the f*ck, America? 

We have all seen and heard so much hatred, especially during this last year, much of it from the President Elect’s own mouth.  How can we as citizens of this nation continue to work progressively toward unity and harmony—or hell, just for functionality’s sake—when this is what we will most likely see and hear on a regular basis?  It’s gonna take a whole hell of a lot of Strength, Love and Hope.  And maybe some pixie dust. Either way, we will need to continue to fight for our rights, to fly brave in the face of adversity and to demand a better world, perhaps even more now than ever.

Holy hell, it's going to be a long 4 years.  But hey, a lot can happen in 4 years... Guess I'll get back to wearing non-revealing costumes and fending off unwanted, lecherous advances in the meantime.  Sigh.  

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Ha ha.  No, this is not a blog entry about pregnancy.  THAT won't be happening anytime soon. Instead, this blog is what happens when one thinks about what it means to be a good friend (which I've been doing a lot lately).  I know from experience that having Unspoken Expectations can sometimes be detrimental, so here are a few simple practices which I have come to realize are important to me in any relationship—perhaps even more so in my friendships.  My friends are the people with whom I currently spend the most time, after all.  Before sharing this list, though, let me clarify:   I am not just talking about someone’s personal qualities (sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, etc.).  A person’s qualities are what would attract me to him or her as a friend anyway.  Instead, I refer to the actions a person takes within the friendship to help foster and maintain the relationship.  Yes, every relationship is different, just as every person is different, but I believe that these are a few basic principles which speak to the core of human interaction.  These are the guidelines to which I also strive to adhere.

1.      Don’t Be a Dick—This one seems like a no-brainer, right?  Yet everyone has the capacity to be a Dick (rudeness, selfishness, unkindness, lack of appreciation, hurtfulness).  Just don’t live in a perpetual state of Dickdom.  And, if you are a Dick, just fucking apologize—and mean it.  Make an effort to not repeat the Dickish Behavior. 

2.     Reciprocate—It is important to Give as much as one Takes.  Yes, we all go through hard times or selfish cycles.  Yes, sometimes we need to dominate conversation to work through our problems.  Yes, sometimes we need assistance (financial, physical, whatever).  Just be sure to “pay the other person back” or “fill their cup”, whichever metaphor you prefer, consistently and frequently.  Or at least APPRECIATE him/her.  No, it’s not about owing or being owed, it’s just being a Good Human. 

3.     Appreciate—We all show our appreciation in different ways, but sometimes just a simple “Thank You” does wonders.  Even better, tell the other person how much he/she means to you on a regular basis.  Celebrate who that person is and what he/she adds to your life.  I learned this one the hard way.

4.     Communicate—How on earth are we supposed to know what’s going on with another person if it isn’t communicated?  Last I checked, telepathy isn’t a common talent.  Communicate honestly, openly and in a forthright manner.  Create meaningful connections.  Bring clarity, comfort, support.  Share your feelings and thoughts.  Just sayin’.  ;)

5.     Be Aware—Oh, that all of the people in our lives would bang out Shakespearean-style soliloquies to reveal their emotions, but, sadly, not everyone communicates so wordily, eloquently or clearly.  Pay attention to your friends’ cues.  Be mindful of how your actions may affect other people.  This one also goes hand in hand with “Don’t Be a Dick”.

6.     Be Present—If someone has made a space for you in his/her life, make sure you’re filling that space in a positive way.  Disappearing without communication or not committing to the time shared (i.e. constant cancellations, being on your phone or otherwise distracted, feeling guilty about being with that person, etc.) can lead to confusion, frustration and upset.   Be invested in the relationship. 

7.     Be Sincere—Sincerity, for some reason, is a rare thing indeed.  Do what you say you’re going to do.  Be clear when you can't.  Speak with honesty.  Be genuine in your intentions, emotions and thoughts.  Back up your words with your actions.  Have integrity.

8.     Be Understanding—Everyone has baggage.  And personality quirks.  And emotional triggers.   The challenge is to be understanding about what has made a person who he/she is.  Empathy is important.  That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their shittiness if it is harmful to you (boundaries can be a good thing), but it is OK to let someone be him/herself or to have limitations.  Being understanding can mean realizing that sometimes the issues of other people are theirs and theirs alone.  Those issues may have nothing to do with you.  Understanding can also help you not put unrealistic expectations on a person or relationship.

9.     Be Open—Intimacy scares the hell out of most people.  We are trusting someone else to not tromp all over our emotions, thoughts, fears.  It may sound counter-intuitive, but in my experience being vulnerable can often assist with intimacy (and therefore stronger connections).  Also, being open allows for growth, new ideas and learning.  On a less serious note, I can’t even tell you how many times I have found or enjoyed new books, bands, movies, foods, activities just by being open. 

10.  Inspire— I want to be a better human.  Yes, I often look to others to see how to do that. Challenge me and my growth.  Help me learn.  Call me on my shit.  Be the mirror of what I strive to be.  I do want to be inspired—and inspiring.

So there it is.  My List of Expectations (for lack of a better description).  Feel free to add your own.  If we are friends, though, just make sure you tell me what they are.  And know that I am still working on these myself. 

Until next time, Lovelies….