If Wishes Were Fishes...I'd Be an Ocean

So here we are at the end of another year, and, contrary to original theory, the world did not end as predicted.  No, Mayans, instead we've made it to another Christmas Night.  I therefore find myself pondering my Christmas Wishes/Resolutions.  As you may remember, I believe that vocalizing what I want will help bring good things from the Universe.  Here goes (in no specific order)....

Christmas Wish/Resolution #1:  Financial Stability

In this current economic climate, it has still been difficult to find gainful employment.  I have been unsuccessfully searching for over a year, yet at the crux of the search is that I really love my seasonal position with a local theater company.  From March through August, I get to go into schools and teach kids about acting and William Shakespeare (two of my great passions!).  I obtained this job without any formal education or experience, just chutzpah.  It has made me rethink what I may want to do with my life and my career...and yet I have to scramble for financial stability for the rest of the year.

My wish, therefore is to maintain financial stability.  Whether it will come from continuing to find contracted, part time work or winning the lottery, I must limit my financial stress, make money and continue to support my daughter.  This has become even more prevalent with my ex-husband now living on unemployment after the loss of his job earlier this year.  

And I can still hope for a fabulous, fulfilling and well-paying job with amazing benefits, right?

Christmas Wish/Resolution #2:  A Little Romance

Let's be honest here:  I want some loving.  While not looking for a second marriage, I readily admit that I miss being married.  It isn't so much about my ex-husband (because I can't even completely say that I miss him) as it is about the companionship and the ease with which I could be myself.  I like sharing my life with others.  I like talking to people about my triumphs, my problems, my passions, my daughter, even just my day....  I want someone to care about what happens to me.  Especially if that someone also wants to see me naked.  

I am not looking for a Lothario, a husband or a booty call.  I want to feel a positive presence in my life that revolves around affection, consideration, respect, trust, support, humor and admiration.  

I.  Am.  Ready.

There, I said it.  

Christmas Wish/Resolution #3:  Peace of Mind

And this is the one that remains on my list from last year.  After all, it has been the hardest to attain.  I have focused my efforts on dealing with my emotional baggage, yet every so often I am still struck with the effects of carrying all of it around.  I may never be rid of the scars from the divorce.  I am working to still take them in stride (and eventually to lighten them).  

In truth, 2012 has been a rough year.  Was it better than 2011?  Will it be worse in 2013?  It will be what I make of it.  I am hoping for relief from my pain and a return to the best me.  Even with the threat of depression looming overhead, I want to focus more, procrastinate less, stay positive and live well.  I will complete projects and tasks and no longer be caught up in an emotional quagmire.

After all, peaceful heart, peaceful mind. 

Oh yeah, I have big plans for you 2013.  You will be my bitch.

State of the (Non) Union

So, it's been crazy these last few months.  Still divorced, of course, but between searching for a job to sustain my daughter and I during the winter months, various summer/fall projects and joint custody, I am struggling to find time to focus on writing.  I've mentioned before that I often write several blog entries at once, but then spend (sometimes way too much) time editing and re-editing them to make them more prevalent to my life at the time of publishing.  Sadly, this often results in an enormous lag between entries.  With that said, my apologies for denying you the joy of another peek into my brain.  How fortunate for you that I have returned.  Ha.  

I recently re-read my previous entries (the last of which, shamefully, was posted almost four months ago!).  I had originally planned for this entry to be something else entirely, but realized that with so much time having passed, I wanted to share some of the progress.  After all, one can't move on until the tasks before have been completed.  

The Custody Conundrum

The joint custody battle has somewhat improved.  And by improved, I mean I barely speak to the ex.  While this may not sound ideal, I am not currently being inundated with terse emails or text messages.  The focus has thankfully seemed to shift from just being angry to attempting to communicate solely about our daughter.  Granted, some weeks are better than others.  While I still get frustrated when he slips into his old habits of calling our daughter incessantly or being reticent to share information which will affect me, I do not feel as attacked or as on the defensive as I have in the past.  I doubt we will ever be friends again, but I remain ever hopeful that each day will bring less and less emotional stress in the future.

The Unemployment Issue

Unfortunately, this issue is still a source of stress.  In July, I found out the ex-husband lost his high paying job.  Although he received a limited severance package, he is no longer able to pay child support and alimony.  He and his lawyer immediately filed a motion with the court to amend the payments.   Fortunately, our lawyers were able to negotiate alternative arrangements, but, once again, the threat of court serves as a reminder of a marriage failed.

And then there is my own current unemployment with which to contend.  I am typically employed (in a job I love) throughout the spring and summer, but have yet to acquire anything steady for this winter.  Apparently, I am so awesome that employers  recognize my value and don't know how they could possibly afford me (she says with tongue firmly lodged in cheek).

The good news is my seasonal work looks as if it may be starting earlier than usual.  I have also managed to procure some freelance gigs to help with some income.  I am working to get myself out there to do what I can to prevent the return to a post high school Top Ramen and tuna fish lifestyle.  

It's strange, though.  I know I should be more worried about finding employment, but after numerous rejections, I am starting to feel like everything is happening as it is supposed to.  I am trying to put my faith in the idea that the Universe will take care of me--and hopefully not just kick me in the teeth when I am down.  Besides, my personal psychic said it would.  Ha.  

The Living Situation

I love my apartment.  It's quirky, in a great location, affordable...and a complete mess.  OK, I don't love that last part.  

I admit it readily:  I've never been a particularly neat person.  Yes, I have a habit of collecting stuff.  No, I don't care for the process of organizing (although I love being organized).  I would rather focus on spending time with my daughter when she's at the apartment and doing other projects when she's not.  As a result, I am still getting settled.  I am still fighting through some of the clutter, building shelves when I need them, hanging pictures on the wall....  There is definitely progress, but it's not yet finished.  I guess, like me, my apartment is a work in progress.  Sigh.  

The Emotional Aftermath

And speaking of a work in progress....  In light of all of the above, I am doing as well as can be expected.  I still have moments of sadness (although I blame hormonal imbalance for those) and am occasionally overwhelmed, but on the whole, I keep plugging along.  I have had many epiphanies, much growth and much laughter.  

Or to sum up, don't worry, I'm fine.

Now we can start talking about fun things.  Like dating.  

Bhahahahahahahahaah.

A Life in Progress

People keep asking me, “How’s the divorce going?”  I find this to be a strange question.  Going through a divorce is not like building a house or completing a chore or working on a project…Or is it?

In the 7 months since the finalization of the divorce, I find that I am doing all three of these.  While I am not actually building a house, I am creating a habitat, a foundation, a haven.  I am working to establish an environment of safety and comfort--and blissfully devoid of the ex.

Unfortunately, the unpacking is not happening quickly enough, therefore leaving my living room a mess of boxes, possessions and files.  I don’t know if it is the lack of time, general malaise or the fact that I am faced with my inability to do certain “handy” things.  The process has been both overwhelming and daunting.  Every day since the divorce, I am so glad to be out of the house we once shared and yet each box represents more to do still.  Unpacking has become a chore—as it seems so many things have.

The greatest of chores, however, is, as always, just communicating with the ex.  What could (and should) be a simple task is so much more unsavory than it needs to be. Not unlike cleaning the toilet, actually. There is a lot of shit I wish could be automatically washed away (or drowned out), yet scrubbing must be done.

I find I am still so frazzled and worn by even the simplest communications, that I continue to dread seeing when I have an email or a text from him (often because they turn into long drawn out missives seemingly meant to torment my soul).  My friend says the ex is just trying to capture some of the control he felt he lost during our relationship.  I surmise that through his expression of what seems to be his anger, I am just more keenly aware of the flaws in the former marriage, the current situation and the written communications.  Whatever the reason, glorious are the days when I don’t have to see, speak to or otherwise receive communication from the ex.  What a funny thing to realize when there was once a time that these things brought me joy.  Now it seems it continues to be just threats, pissing matches and blah blah blah.  Sigh.

 And then there is the work I must do on the most important project of all:  Project Me.  As I sift through emotional fallout from the divorce, I am constantly working to reevaluate my beliefs, my wants, my needs…myself.  I am striving to open myself up to greater possibilities, both in love and in life.  I am trying to laugh more, worry less and to not get bogged down by pettiness, stress and extraneous BS.  I revel in being a single woman and, more importantly, a single mother. I am dating more  (although sleeping less) as I work to slough off the stink of a marriage gone bad.  I am a butterfly who has broken free from the cocoon and is spreading her wings.  I am physically exhausted.  Lol.

So, in short, when anyone asks how my life is going, I think it necessary to borrow a line from the film Grosse Pointe Blank in response:  “In progress.”  

The Joint Custody Conundrum

When the ex-husband and I first began divorce proceedings, my friends, family, even my lawyer kept assuring me that everything would eventually calm down.  While the upset wouldn’t necessarily disappear, supposedly everything would settle down enough to allow for more cohesive co-parenting. 

What a crock of shit. 

Not unlike the myth of an “amicable” divorce, the idea of “joint” parenting has proved to be disappointing.  Stupid girl to think anything would be different now that the ties are cut.  If anything, it is more of the same…only now it is more blatantly obvious that my daughter will be used against me as a pawn in his quest for control.  

And yet, I keep hoping beyond hope that I will be able to get to a place where every admonishment, every whiney text or email, every conversation doesn’t cause me to react so emotionally.  Even though I am making every effort to “just ignore him” (as most people advise), his bullshit just continues.  He pokes and pokes and pokes, never realizing the damage he causes, never understanding that he is perpetuating discordance, never quite grasping that enough is enough.

It has gotten to the point that I no longer expect him to be decent or respectful.  I just steel myself for the fact that every other week (whenever my daughter is in my custody), I will have to endure a shit storm.  I am wary of every communication, knowing that each one will be met with an argument or claim of how I am supposedly a shitty or irresponsible parent.  Even just opening my email inbox or checking my texts fills me with complete and utter dread. 

How exhausting. 

I am so tired of being “that girl” (you know, the one who constantly whines about her relationship problems).  I am tired of feeling like I am making efforts toward being a better parent and communicator and being met with opposition because they will never be enough.  I am tired of feeling on edge all the time—or that I will never be able to fully enjoy my time with my daughter without his interruption.  I. Am. So. Tired.

So how do I get through this?  I know I am not alone.  In addition to the multitude of books and online articles written about co-parenting with a difficult ex, many people have shared their own stories with me.  While I do take comfort in this, how do I get past the perpetual “my cock is bigger than your cock” battle?  How do I stop feeling abused and attacked by the ex?  How do I continue to strive to be the better person as he spews his vehemence all over me?  How do I just keep doing the best I can within the confines of “joint” custody?

The phone and email lines are standing by. 

  

Things Unsaid

It has been four months since the finalization of the divorce and over a year since the end of the marriage. Although I am methodically working through the emotional aftermath (and, in general, living the life of a divorcee with aplomb), I still feel completely fettered by frustration where the ex is concerned.  There are so many things that I want to say to him that seem as if they would bring me closure if they could be discussed.  Knowing full well they never will be, however, they instead become ugly, cannibalistic thoughts that eat away at my very wellbeing.  Occasionally they claw their way to the surface and I am struck by random fits of emotion with which I don’t know how to deal.  I just don’t want to be that person, always whining, always complaining, always angry….but this sh*t just won’t go away.

So I decided to write some of these thoughts down in a letter format (although I could no doubt fill volumes).  I’m telling you now, it won’t be pretty.  At this point, I don’t even care.  I just want to stop living in the Land of “GAH!”. 

May I present to you:  “Things I Have Always Wanted to Say to the Ex”.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 MKC

*****

Dear Ex-Husband:

I have been sifting through the ashes of our once happy marriage, trying to work through the emotional wreckage so I can once and for all just be done with you.  While I realize that having joint custody of our daughter has created a life-long sentence of dealing with you, I am still working to create harmony, happiness and, most importantly, the life I deserve.

Unfortunately, I find that you are often one of my greatest obstacles in these pursuits.  I am not sure if I have placed you in that position or if you are just too stubborn to bow gracefully out of my life, but I am exhausted by having to continue to deal with the drama of someone to whom I am no longer married.  I know that anything I say to you directly is futile (since I doubt you will ever get to a point that you will understand and/or accept anything I have to say as worthwhile), so I am writing this letter to, if nothing else, force these thoughts to vacate my mind once and for all.

People are always saying how much they still love their exes, even after the divorce.  I want to make it abundantly clear:  I don’t.  You have given me no reason to of late, that's for sure.  While I don’t hate you, I really don’t even like the person you’ve become. If anything, I am disappointed in (and by) you.  I once thought you were such a good man, so hardworking, kind, faithful, respectful….now I am hard-pressed to even think you are decent.  Or human.  Your anger and dissidence have made you seem arrogant, petty, controlling and, quite frankly, like a difficult and whiny little bitch.  It is tedious and exhausting—and completely at odds with the efforts I am making to establish a better form of communication between us.

And while I am on the topic of communication….Please stop assuming that every single thing I say or write is a loaded statement, fraught with emotion or underlying agendas.  YOUR PERCEPTIONS ARE YOUR OWN.  The relationship we currently have is simply a business one.  We have signed a Marriage Settlement Agreement and created a contract to maintain joint custody of our child.  I have been treating our communications as such.  Unfortunately, I do not see evidence that you are doing the same.  While you may use “big” words and formal language in your writings, I sincerely doubt you would ever openly disparage or react so vehemently to a co-worker via text/email.  Or maybe you would, since you clearly refuse to communicate either face to face or on the telephone. 

And for the record, I do not want to talk to, text or email you, but I do so in the spirit of “joint” custody.  Please be aware, I am constantly working to be straight to the point and devoid of any emotional insinuation.  While I admit to an occasional slip on my part (I am human—and an emotional one at that), I have made, and continue to make, a concerted and conscious effort to eliminate anything other than “just the facts”.  What annoys me, however, is that I feel I must constantly be on the defensive with your every text or email.  I am not sure why you seem so incapable of recognizing its meaning, but when I say/text/email, “OK thanks”, I am making an effort to disengage and discontinue a negative conversation that has entered into a place of abuse.   I am exhausted from feeling like you would rather take out your issues on me in a great pissing match than actually work toward harmonious co-parenting.  It has gotten to the point that I wish you would just go away.   Just move on with your life, leave me my daughter and mail me the checks.

That is not to say, of course, that I would choose for my daughter to want for a positive male role model.  Unfortunately, I am finding it difficult to think of you as such.  True, you do seem to love her unconditionally, but you cannot seem to grasp the concept that treating her mother poorly is not conducive to raising a happy and healthy woman.  We have discussed this before and still you proceed to be despondent and disrespectful in your communications and your actions.  You have never apologized for calling me a “fucking bitch” in front of your daughter.  You do not discuss issues in an open or honest manner (or even when you say you will).  You maintain that you will do what you want, even if it cuts into my time with her or infringes on activities I have planned for her. 

It is this last one that makes it especially difficult to trust you, both as her father and as a “business partner”.  I have no doubt that you have issues trusting me, since you have shown me this in so many passive aggressive ways (including continuing to quote the MSA at me and calling our daughter multiple times to "check up").  How laughable since I am who I have always been:  I communicate how I feel—even if that means calling others on their "shit".  I am a hard worker, a leader and a dedicated mother.  I am creative and a problem solver who makes every effort to be accommodating.  I do what I say I am going to do and can set my own deadlines.  I do not knowingly set out to hurt people and react poorly to being hurt, attacked or bullied.  I do have a temper, but not usually without reason.  I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. 

It is you with whom I am no longer familiar.  Were you always like this?  Or was it a mid-life crisis?  Did I just ignore your faults?  Was everything I felt about our relationship false?  How did I not see your resentment?  Or your inability to take responsibility for your own issues?  Why did I not recognize that you bear the markings of a passive-aggressive mama's boy?  How did I believe that you would never pursue a relationship with another woman?  Or that you wouldn’t lie about it?   How could I have been so fucking blind?

Blind or not, I do not accept your blame for the demise of this relationship.  It takes two people to maintain a happy marriage, just as it takes two people to end it.  Although it is I who first brought up the word “divorce” (were you really so surprised?!), I didn’t have a lot left to work with and saw no other solution.  You claim you felt emasculated in the marriage?  Sorry, but to this I say, “Bullshit.”  Every opportunity to be a man, to be a leader, to be an individual was yours.  That you did not often take those opportunities is none of my doing—nor is it anything for which to blame me now.  Quit acting like a petulant, self-righteous prick and treating me like I am your enemy or someone whose ideas contain less value because they are not yours.  None of this is doing anything to assist you in the pursuit of cohesive co-parenting.  You claim you wish to be a “non-traditional” male parent, involved in all aspects of your daughter’s life (even the “girly” stuff.  Ha.  Have fun with the tampon conversation.), but how about being a non-traditional ex-husband too?  Is it really necessary for you to attempt to bully me?  There is nothing to “control”, but your own emotions, actions and reactions.  There is no need to engage in a passive aggressive tug-of-war.  All you’ll probably find is the rope is tied around your own neck. 

No, ex-husband, we will never be a couple again, but I hope some day you will remember that we are a TEAM when it comes to raising our daughter.  Yes, sometimes I wish I could erase you from my life and memory, yet removing the pictures, cards and other physical reminders isn’t enough. I am frustrated, saddened and angered that my faith in both marriage and love has been shaken to the core, but at the center of it all, however, is one amazing, intelligent and vivacious little girl that we created.  If you couldn’t be a complete, decent person during our marriage, you had better figure out how to be one now that we’re divorced. She deserves at least that.  Hell, so do I.  

Sincerely,

Ex-Wife #2 and Mother of Our Child

Formerly Known As....

“What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;

So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,

Retain that dear perfection which he owes

Without that title….”

Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Sc. 2.

In William Shakespeare's well-known play,  Romeo and Juliet, the heroine, Juliet, bemoans the fact that her true love would still be her love regardless of the fact that he is the only son of her family’s enemy and therefore, by name, a Montague.  Although it is possible that her theory is correct, I would hypothesize that quite often it is our names that define us.

We are born into this world and given our “Proper Names” at birth by our parents.  Sometimes our names have certain connotations (mine, for example, draws to mind a particular Beatles song which has been sung to me more times than I can count) or remind others of friends, lovers or relatives they once knew.  Sometimes, however, our names take on their own personal meaning in the form of labels we attach to ourselves. 

When I was married I willingly changed my name and created a new definition of myself.  Not wanting to give up my last name entirely, however (both due to the fact that I am the last of my line and that I have always liked my name), I added the ex’s last name to mine in a hyphenated amalgam.  This amalgam showed the world that I was someone’s wife and partner.  And now, since it is attached to my daughter, as someone’s mother.  I was very proud of this change, seeing the addition as an extension to my life.  Even my license plate reflected this. 

Ironically, I used the ex’s last name in another part of my life as well.  As the announcer (and former skater) for the local Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby League, I have gone by the same name for six years.  It is not unlike Gordon Sumner calling himself Sting, Alecia Moore going by Pink or Ana Mae Bullock performing as Tina Turner.  And while I am certainly not comparing myself to these musical artists, derby girls do have a somewhat “rock star” aesthetic (hell, even just saying one is a “Derby Girl”—another name/label—incites very specific reactions.).  Derby monikers are unique, speaking to the person’s interests, hobbies and sense of self.

Which is why it has been no easy task to change it.  Everyone calls me by this chosen name, in spite of the fact that I am no longer married.  I am pretty sure that some of the girls on the team don't even know my real name!  We’ve had a fan contest for name suggestions, yet I can’t help but feel that the transition to a new name is in the same vein as Prince choosing to go by a symbol.  In a word, strange.

But perhaps that is just the “name” I am giving the related emotion and the situation.

Ironically, I never did legally change my name to my ex’s.  The hyphenation was a social adaptation only, just as my derby name and other defining labels have been.

In truth, it is not easy reinventing oneself.  It means taking a looking at who one is and keeping the qualities one wants. 

Including changing my license plate. 

A Little Respect

Disrespect.  This is something about which I have been thinking a lot lately.  Respect is hard to win, easy to lose, difficult to maintain…and sometimes damned near impossible to regain. 

A very prominent challenge of the divorce has been dealing with the lack of respect.  Honestly, it probably wouldn’t bother me as much if it weren’t continuing to permeate our current efforts to co-parent.  The divorce is final, the relationship over, but DEAR GOD why is it still so damned difficult to communicate?  One word:  Disrespect.

I am not really sure when it happened, but somewhere throughout the course of our fifteen year relationship the ex lost respect for me.  It colored his perceptions and made him resentful and sullen.  It allowed him to withdraw his affections and communications and to let his anger to take over.  I could hypothesize that it was due to my miscarriage in May 2010, that perhaps he was going through a mid-life crisis, that maybe it was because I hate to cook and clean or because I have a temper…but I don’t really know.  Hell, it’s possible that he doesn’t either.

I do know, however, the very moment I started to lose respect for him:  the day I found the emails he’d sent to his girlfriend.

For those of you who have ever discovered your significant other is cheating, you know how this feels.  If you’re one of the lucky few who hasn’t, it is the combination of rage, shock, sadness and disappointment all mixed together.  In describing it to some of my friends later, I likened it to Bruce Banner growing and changing into the Incredible Hulk… Heart pounding, skin tingling, profuse sweating, hyper ventilating…I’ve never felt so consumed, so physically overwhelmed by emotion in my life. I hope to never feel that way again. 

But, sadly, bits of those emotions keep coming out over a year later.  While there were perhaps many other factors contributing to the downfall of the marriage, I believe that one of the main ones is the lack of respect he had—and continues to have—for me.  It wasn’t enough that he was documenting his love/lust for a woman in his office (how horribly cliché), but that he seemed to both belittle and disparage me in his emails to her—a trend that continued during our subsequent conversations as we worked to finally end the marriage.

So why haven’t I mentioned this specific lack of respect before?  There were many times when I have wanted to simply post the emails and texts he’s sent me (and believe me, some of them were downright shitty).  Oh, how I would love for everyone to see through his façade of the “nice guy”, to understand that he’s not just the poor, put-upon guy with the shrew of an ex-wife. To declare, "Yes, world, he does have teeth.  He knows how to bite!"

Sigh.

It was written into the divorce papers, “The parties agree to refrain from using or making disparaging remarks about the other to or in front of (their daughter). Neither parent shall do anything that shall estrange or separate (their daughter) from each other or damage the natural development of her love and respect for the other.”

At first I found it laughable to include this clause, thinking it to be common sense.  Perhaps it is standard phrasing, yet I imagine it was included because of the ex’s concern that I would be "the disparager".  I sincerely doubt that he ever thought that he would be the one yelling at me or calling me obscenities in front of our daughter (which, yes, unfortunately, happened recently), just as I doubt that he thinks about the consequences of his actions as much as I think about mine.

I have long maintained that any poor treatment of me will, in fact, affect our daughter.  We have repeatedly argued about whether or not she recognizes what is happening.  She is only six years old, but of course she does!  She knows that when Mommy cries after a conversation with Daddy it is because Mommy is hurt or sad.  She realizes that Mommy gets mad when Daddy hangs up the phone mid-conversation because Mommy thinks that is childish and rude.  Most importantly, she understands that when Daddy loses his temper and calls Mommy a “f*cking b*tch” in front of her that that is NEVER acceptable.  She is learning very quickly the power of words, the result of actions and what it means to have and show respect.  Oh yes, she is fully aware. 

Which is partially why I haven’t brought this (or the affair) up until now.  As it becomes clearer that my daughter will learn these lessons even without me teaching them directly to her, I no longer feel I need to hide that aspect of the divorce here.  His lack of respect is apparent as he continues to downplay his affair, even going so far as to once say that she—and I—meant nothing to him. It is also apparent in the way he seems to allow his perceptions and his incapacity for forgiveness to taint his communications and actions.  He may never be able to articulate his issues, to take responsibility for or to get over his anger and guilt, even while actively pursuing another relationship.  I may never get the apology I always hope is forthcoming.  

And yet I don’t feel the need to publicly decimate, defame or otherwise crucify the ex (although admittedly, yes, I would like to).  While I find it difficult to forgive his lack of respect, I instead choose to write this blog to rid myself of some of the heartache, so I can move forward and heal.  There are undoubtedly certain negative details which I have revealed, yet I have always tried to be honest with my emotions and fair, to choose my words carefully and to preserve my daughter’s view of the ex.  

After all, I still need to respect myself, regardless of whether or not he does.