40 Days Till 40 (Day 32)

SET ME FREE, WHY DON'T YOU, BABE?

My daughter asked me today when I am planning to move to California.  She claimed that she wants to live there because “They have swimming pools, the beach and Disneyland there.  Plus I can get a dog.”

At first, this may seem like a relatively innocuous conversation.  What you may not realize is that this conversation comes at the beginning of what I fear may become an ugly custody battle.  The ex-husband (the one who brought me to Reno in the first place) has accepted a job back in Southern California.  His company is allegedly allowing him to telecommute for the next couple of months after which time he will move there.  I am not even sure when he will move as he has not communicated any concrete information (other than maybe in March).  Oh, and that he would like to go to mediation to figure out what is happening with the move.

There are so many things that are bothering me about this potential move.  For the sake of my sanity (and yours!), I will not list them all here.  I will only suffice it to say, no, he will not be able to take my daughter without my approval; no, I do not currently want to move back to Southern California (and not just because he thinks it is best); and no, I do not look forward to having to make at least twice as much money just to afford what I currently have (and frankly, I live pretty damn frugally) if I were to move there. I have therefore suggested that with his recent employment record (unemployed for a year then quitting a seemingly good job after only 5 months, but telling me he was laid off) that it would be best if he were to live there alone for at least a year to establish whether he even liked (or could keep) his job and we would discuss it then.  Of course, he would still have visitation for breaks and holidays.  

I cannot help but wonder what would happen if the situation were reversed?  I, too, have applied for jobs in other states, but not without the realization that there would have to be a lot of compromise regarding child custody.  I knew that I would have to make a change, accommodation or sacrifice.  I don’t know that he has had the same forethought.

Currently, we share joint custody with a week on/week off visitation—which, by the way, if your divorce is particularly emotional or difficult, I do NOT recommend.  If you’re like me and you prefer a clean break, you will never be able to get peace from your ex since you will have to see him/her every single damned week.

So maybe that is one positive I can pull from this situation:  If the ex moves, I wouldn’t have to see him all of the time.  Yes, I am also aware of what this means for my daughter.  Frankly, though, I cannot say with all certainty that she wouldn’t be better off for the separation.  Every week she is subjected to a different parenting style.  I don’t doubt that my ex loves her, but I do doubt that he considers my contributions valid or important.  His disrespect was apparent at the end of the marriage; it is wholly apparent with this move and lack of communication.  We are not “co-parents”, as I’d always hoped.  I doubt we ever will be. 

I just keep telling myself it will work out as it’s supposed to.  Whatever that means.  

Sigh.  

Until tomorrow, Lovelies….