REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 5th OF…FEBRUARY
It was not without a certain amount of melancholy that I
realized today is February 5th.
Today, after all, would have been my 14th wedding
anniversary. Even though I feel I
have made great strides since the divorce, I am still dissatisfied with my
current romantic situation (uh, if you can call NOTHING a situation) and, as
you may know if you read my blog yesterday, with the situation with the ex
himself. Every year that passes I
endeavor to find new memories with which to bring an alternate significance to
the day.
3 years ago (in the beginning of the end), I went to
Monterey with my daughter—a bittersweet trip since he was supposed to join us
but “couldn’t get away from work”.
When we returned from the trip, I was given a “joke” anniversary card
depicting a wife yelling at her husband as they were plummeting to their
deaths. Ouch.
2 years ago, I got a tattoo to commemorate the divorce. I love it, but it’s still a reminder
that I must keep fighting against and healing from heartbreak. I was, however accompanied by two of my
most spiritual and inspirational friends and we had a great brunch after.
Last year I was working. My daughter, however, was on a Disney cruise with the ex and
his parents. Don’t even get me
started on that one.
In other words, no overly successful melancholy
blockers. True to form, I didn’t
get one today either.
Today, my daughter decided to quit a play for which she begged me to let her audition. Apparently, she didn’t like her part (too small) and was
therefore bored. I, of course, was disappointed. Ultimately, I don’t want to
force her to do something that makes her miserable, but you’d better believe
that there were conversations about responsibility, commitment, whether or not
she had truly tried her best and how “there are no small parts, only small
actors”. We also discussed how
difficult it was to move schedules or arrange transportation to accommodate her
rehearsals. I told her, if she
makes this decision now, she may not get to participate in future productions
with that theater company, either because she doesn’t seem reliable or
deserving or simply because I won’t let her. I doubt she would get any larger roles either. Tough love,
maybe, but she will eventually have to realize that every choice she makes in
life can affect other people—and herself.
At least I hope she does.
Something else came from her decision to quit the show: a realization that sometimes
accommodating others’ needs or wants does not always make me happy…or even lead
to success. I flashed on
everything I’ve done recently when I’ve felt disappointed or slighted and many
of those things came from being accommodating. It’s hard not to feel selfish saying that, but it’s, at
least lately, true.
But that’s another blog entry for another time, I
think. I am trying to prevent my
February 5th melancholy, not perpetuate it!
Until tomorrow, Lovelies….
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