40 Days Till 40 (Day 22)

SHAME, SHAME, WE KNOW YOUR NAME

A very kindhearted and lovely friend of mine posted on her Facebook page today that she was both saddened by and tired of all of the “shaming” she sees online.  She pleaded that we need to stop it, vowing instead to post only positive, innocuous comments (“I love cake!”) when she sees something that is upsetting or with which she disagrees.  I liked this idea, but of course it got me thinking.

Traditionally, “shaming” is defined as  “to cause to feel shame” or “to drive, force, etc., through shame.”  Lately, however, shaming has become about public humiliation, strangers (and sometimes acquaintances or family) feeling that it is OK to bash someone online, whether through photos, memes or comments.  Our communication skills—and compassion—have suffered. 

I was recently accused of “shaming” (although not online) by someone with whom I worked in a leadership position.  This really upset me both because I work really hard to be diplomatic and motivational, even in the direst circumstances, and because the person who said it was someone with whom I’d had problems.  I liked her, but she wasn’t the most tactful person, a habit that had previously caused great upset in our organization.

I wondered then (and frankly still wonder) what was her implied definition of “shaming”?  Was it calling to light an issue for which responsibility and action needed to be taken? To me, “shaming” is belittling, bullying and manipulating.  I didn’t call anyone names or intentionally insult them.  Was I being accused of shaming for telling people (including her) to do their jobs or to take ownership of their situation when they weren’t doing so otherwise? 

Or was she just saying it because she herself was insecure and didn’t like being told what to do? 

Either way, I am not with that organization anymore.  There were other factors leading up to that decision, but her comment was the last straw.  Since the divorce, I have learned that I do not do well with passive aggressive, disrespectful or unappreciative behavior and seeing a comment like that in a mass email did not sit well with me.  I have many other, much more positive projects on which I’d rather focus my time and energy. 

I will leave you with one last thought on shaming, however:  Can we really shame others if they don’t feel shame—or that they’ve done anything wrong? 

I’m rubber and you’re glue.  Whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you.  Lol.  

Until tomorrow, Lovelies….

*In case you’re still wondering:  “Shame” is defined as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.”  Written 1/25/14.